im so angry now always so angry or at least, that's what i tell myself so i wouldn't feel how sad and tired i am as strongly i dont know what to do, so

a pain

5 years

273 Views

im so angry now

always so angry

or at least, that’s what i tell myself

so i wouldn’t feel how sad and tired i am as strongly

i dont know what to do, so many people are rooting for me

but i’m tired

i don’t know how long i can keep going anymore until i finally break down

for real this time, and not be able to push myself back up again

i keep going even when i can’t anymore

i wonder of the time i can no longer will myself to move forward

i wonder how close that moment is

and how long i have left

I thought i was supposed to be safer with you, more loved with you

in the end, with all the things you constantly tell me, all the things i’ve realized, and all the things i’ve come to find out

i feel more useless and powerless than ever

i wonder?

what would happen if you wake up one day, and find out i’m no longer here?

that i am no longer alive?

what would you think of it?

would you grieve? would you regret anything?

maybe not, i know who you are, you’re more concerned of what other people think of you

i can hear what you’d say “you’re foolish, do you want to bring shame into this family? are you stupid?”

and so on.

your hugs felt warm, but somehow it felt wrong

because the things you say, your promises, contradict your actions

and every time i remember that, your hugs feel more of a chokehold, where i can’t breathe anymore, it starts feeling like, you’re pushing my head underwater, watching me drown

i wish you never made me

New Confession

i tried nitrous for the first time last week, on his birthday. it was kind of underwhelming. i think i already have a tolerance from past ketamine abuse since it acts on the same receptors

i am thinking of doing ketamine again. i do it every few months or so now. im tired of snorting lines though and ive been thinking a lot about injecting it again. IV is like a dream, but apparently its easy to “pass out” before you can take the needle out of your arm, so im worried about taking really high doses. IM takes a little more time, but it leaves you with muscle pain for a few days wherever you shoot it up.

ive had a plate of lines sitting in my room for like a month now. itd be easiest to do those, i just hate the long 12 hour comedown when i take enough for a k hole….

Related Confessions

I haven’t decided whether to record my exit strategy. This helium-based strategy isn’t particularly gory, so I think it’d be suitable for recording. If it can be of benefit to the medical research community then I feel like it’d be a good thing to do. During one of my “test” attempts, I found that I subconsciously ripped the bag off my head. I will need to remedy this by cuffing my hands to a sturdy frame, and then turning on the gas. You did this, Fiserv.