when i was in 8th grade, my teacher kinda touched me.

the first time i met him, he asked me why i didn’t want to be a model. he said i was beautiful and smart and talented. i knew he had a history of acting inappropriately, he forced one of my friends to hug him so they could get to class, so whenever he started acting strangely to me i knew what was about to happen. he made me a nickname (blue), and would only call me that. he’d walk with me everywhere, he paid for my food, he’d talk to me and say i was his favorite, and would tease me by embarassing me in front of my class. i was the class clown, and he chose that. i knew it was weird, but i just thought i was finally someone’s favorite in the class, who everyone knew and loved and laughed at it. i had never had that before because i’m always the quiet, average looking kid.

i was so excited for our field trip, and we finally went. the whole time i joked to my friend that he was gonna kiss me or something. nothing was too weird throughout the trip, just his regular name calling of me and him holding my shoulder. but then it was time to take the field trip picture for our school yearbook. the last place i expected anything weird to happen. (for context, i was wearing our school t-shirt and low rise skinny jeans that were still covered by my shirt) he wanted to take the picture beside me, so we got in the front row and kneeled down. we smiled and then he put his hand on my knee, and his other on my back. it felt gross but i just thought it was normal. then he moved his hand closer so it was on my inner thigh, and part of his hand was touching my.. you know. and he moved that other hand down to my back, but i was wearing my low rise jeans, so my skin was showing. and his hand was on my lower back, basically my b***, touching my skin. i remember flinching.

and then i sat there, my face didn’t change, my smile didn’t falter. i just stared there and i felt so sick. i was counting down the seconds, it was so long.

the person took the picture, and i remember looking at them as his hand was half on my private area, half on thigh, i tried looking them in their eyes for help. it was sooo long.

and then they took the picture, and he got up to go see it. he didn’t like it, but told the person to send it to him anyway. he took another picture, but this time he moved his hands back down to the appropriate spot on my legs and back. i remember trying to control my shaking so he wouldn’t feel it. and he liked it. and i blinked in the picture. and it was put on our school wall. and i remember thinking those times while the picture was being taken, that’s theres people behind me. there is people behind me and they are seeing this, i think. did they see it? why didn’t they do anything? i still don’t know if im overreacting.

i got up, shaking and trying not to cry afterwards, i ran to my friend and shakily told her hi. i asked her if she saw what happened, and she said yeah i saw he had his hand on ur leg, haha, we were right, he did like you. thats gross. she separated from me and continued to walk with her other friend leaving me alone. we got inside and took a small break and i sat on a small chair with my friend, but she ignored me and talked to her friend. i was shaking and i wanted to throw up i felt so gross. i told her i needed to throw up and she just laughed. and then i just went on. nothing happened. it was just a funny joke

i got back to school that day and i went on with the day i went to a pep rally

i remember telling my boyfriend what happened and he said i should tell someone so i told my therapist. and she knew him. and she said she wouldn’t expect that, and that was that. nothing happened.

am i overreacting??? what’s wrong with me?? its been 1 year and a half and i still can’t get it out of my mind, i feel gross still. i don’t know. i know its not that big of a deal. im sorry. i just had to get it out. i’ve told my friends that he did actually touch me, but they always change the subject, they don’t undesrtand what i went through. i know i wasn’t raped. im sorry.