5 years
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Coulda, shoulda but you probably should have kept me away from that toxicity and it away from me. In other words you should not have ever mentioned my name to anyone e er at any time. Not one person because all that, those people who I was trying to get away from are the reason. I can’t have that. Every single one of them, including the ones at my last job. THAT was bad for me and I am not even sure if you know how negative that experience was. They were all toxic and honestly I didn’t like any of them and not even because it had to do with you but simply because of them. I didn’t even know it had to do with you. I sure as hell never brought you up at any point…

I see you parents friend, your dad’s best friend often. I go there. He knows me, he knows who I am, maybe not specifically what you and I had but for 20 years I am a familiar face. I know that. He might not know what we were specifically but again I don’t know. I would never bringing up. Maybe he does know what we were, I don’t know? I went there about about a month ago maybe more, and he asked me my name. I am there often enough. I told him and I made it a point to note, yeah I’ve been around for a while I know your parents. Your last name. That’s it though. I’ve been around, my name, and I know your family. Nothing else. He remembered my name too, he acknowledged it the other day. I can’t say part of me didn’t want him to go to them with what I said. Last summer when I went there I forgot one thing, it fell off. I went back there a few hours later after I noticed it rolled off and let him know what happened he goes “I knew you would be honest about it…”

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf