I’m going to kill myself before the age of 30. I’m not chronically ill or anything, I just don’t see any happy way out. First of all, if I kill myself before my loved ones die (my parents, my friends, my brother, my cat) I’ll be spared the pain of losing them, which is pain I can’t handle. I don’t care if it’s selfish or whatever. It’s the logical thing to do.

Second, the few things that bring me joy are things I don’t tell people about and they’re insignificant anyway. Two of the main things that bring me joy are roleplaying (about dragons from a book series in the comments on a children’s programming website, of all things) and drawing (then posting my drawings to Reddit). I don’t tell my friends about the role-play because they’ll obviously think it’s f****** stupid (especially considering that a lot of the stuff I wrote is pretty violent) and even that will end eventually, and when it comes to the drawings, I feel like nobody gives two shits about them. The subreddit I post them on seems like it has “big” artists who post often routinely making each other art or referencing each other, and no matter how much I post or how much I try to improve I’m constantly ignored on it. Even the other things I enjoy like baking I’m no good at.

Third, I can’t imagine an enjoyable or even bearable life, especially under the system we have now. Call me weak, but I don’t think I can handle having to do chores and work a dead end job I hate with every fibre of my being every day for the rest of my life until I retire at 65 or later or the planet explodes. I already can’t find the energy to brush my teeth (and it doesn’t seem worth it anyway because why bother brushing my teeth every day when I’ll be too dead to eat anything in a bit anyway). I’ve already got a plan for how I’m going to do it- order some pills or something off the internet (not until I’ve triple-checked that they’ll work, of course- a failed suicide attempt is a whole new level of hell), wait until nobody else is home, put some of my favorite music on, dress in my favorite clothes, drape a blanket over myself, take the pills, and fall asleep for the last time with my cat on my lap (if he’s even alive by then). I just don’t see the point of staying on this mortal coil for any longer than that.