DONT APOlOGISE. Since when can you see right through me? Is my cruelty ynot convincing enough for you anymore? Do you want to know why Im really going insane? I realized last year, with the spectre of dying at any moment from a plague looming over me, that not only was I not over you, but that I was still in love with you. It makes no logical sense, but thats not why i want to burn everything down. When I realhized I still loved you, I came face to face with the torrible things I did to you. I violated your trust, I tried to manipulate you multiple times, I tried to curse you, I tried to publically humiliate and shame you. I wanted you to love me but went about it in all the wroIng ways. I am a monster. iM STILL A MONSTER. I did things that make it impossible for me to ever get close to you again. I want to die. Why wont you let me push you away? Its for
your own good.

YOu did nothing wrong…You went through so much trauma at such a young age, why would I hold you responsible for being human? Why would I begrudge you reacting completely rationally to a raving lunatic who clearly has issues with becoming attached to people far too quickly and feeling emotions much more powerfully than most people desperately trying to get your attention.

I am f****** pissed and angry and lashing out because I dont want to f****** lay down in the grave I dug for myself, but theres absolutely nothing I can do to change it. You being here is just giving me false hope that I can still try to salvage some sort of relationship with you. Not to mention, the fact we’re talkiTng here, it puts that ddoubt in my head that I’m become completey f****** deslusional. In the meantime, Id like toI be able to stop projecting all of my self hatred on to you simply because I cant stomach the reality of my situation, and your half-hearted presence out of guilt or obligation is not the medicine I need. I dont want your pity or your guilt. Thats never what I wanted. I just wanted you….All of you, but that was never a reasonable request. Im sorry. Im tearing up and Im gonna go dispsociate in Stardew Valley and pretend to be a farmer for a little bit.