I’m an 18 year old girl from the Netherlands. Throughout primary and high school, I’ve been bullied for several things. One of those being I’m so ugly. In recent years (16+) people tell me I’m ‘not that ugly’ or even pretty.
When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend. He knew me through a co worker. I worked at a supermarket at the time. my co worker and I often went out to the same place on Saturdays. sometimes, he took his friend along. I never really payed much attention to the guy.
It was about a year later that he found me on Facebook. After some hesitation I accepted his friend request. We started talking. We had been talking for weeks, when it got pore personal. He told me I was pretty and that he’s liked me for over a year. He told me about those times his friend took him along to the rock café where I was. Of course, I was flabbergasted. Always being confronted with love, mainly because of high school, I had gotten quite desperate. So when our conversations turned to innocent flirting, I was quite flattered, and just played along. We had turned on web cams. It got more s***** (not showing each other stuff, just in text etc.) and even then I continued playing along.
The day came that we agreed to meet each other. I had even promised to kiss him. So lying to school; to my mom, I cycled to the played we had agreed to meet, and cycled to his house. As we cycled, I noticed how ugly he was. He had a lot of acne that wasn’t to be seen on the web cam due to its quality. We got to his house, and went upstairs to his room. it was all very awkward. I was so extremely nervous about the kiss that I didn’t spoke a word, when I’m usually very talkative. I don’t really know why, I had always found it odd, but he started fooling around for a bit. poking me etc. probably because it was all so awkward and he wanted to light the place up. so eventually things got quiet and eventually he was the one to kiss me. I just couldn’t make the move myself. so he kissed me, and the first thing I noticed was the taste. it was quite horrible. he was a smoker after all. The other thing I noticed is that when he stopped, I wanted to do it again. Just one week later, he was at my place and then already, he started touching those places. so it all went pretty fast for me.
He was my boyfriend for two whole months. A month after we got together, things weren’t going very nice. He’d just play his computer games and not pay any attention to me at all. and I was so insecure about him leaving me or anything, I didn’t wanna make a big deal out of it. I put up with it. even when his cousin played along and I was doomed to remain seated and do nothing at all but to pretend I liked the situation.
He broke up with me two days after Valentine’s day. We’d had actual s** just one week before that. He never had a descent reason and we had agreed to remain friends. this idea was shattered within a week. I had trouble getting along with his personality from pretty much the start. that’s how we just stopped talking at all. I had been devastated but, within half a year I didn’t even care about him anymore and realized that if he’d never kissed me, he’d never been my boyfriend. He just gave me what I was so desperate for. I was in love with the idea of love; I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love with him.
Before him, I’d been in love pretty much all the time. They were mostly just crushes though. But it was one crush after another, it never stopped. After my boyfriend, I didn’t have a crush on anyone. I became obsessed with ‘the good looking guy’ to me it’s a sturdy yet skinny guy, with black, long-ish hair and green eyes. I realize very well that this is pretty rare xD so I searched the internet for good looking guys and through every picture I’ve seen etc., there are three guys in the entire world that ‘look good’. I haven’t even got a crush on them and they don’t even live in my country. I found that I’m very picky. Through those 2 and a half years I’ve become obsessed with love and good looking guys. I feel like I can’t fall in love with anyone anymore. at all.
Last year, I was at the café, just chatting with some guys. one went away and I was left chatting with the other guy, who’d already complimented me about my glasses, which I’ve had since I was 6 years old, but I’ve only been wearing them everywhere for a few years. so as usually, the lights flickered to warn everyone the bar was closing soon. before I knew it, the guy’s hand was around my waist and he was about to kiss me. I think he had only a mere centimeter of distance when I noticed and wheeled my head away. I had felt an enormous explosion of fireworks inside of my stomach; I was shivering all aver my body, and I was about to have a heart attack. I apologized, and excused myself. I went up front, to the bathroom, telling myself I had imagined it all. out of insecurity (I wanted to run home as fast as I could) I went back to the guy. he started asking questions why I didn’t kiss back and if he weren’t good enough etc. so it was all getting really awkward. he said I was the prettiest girl around. I still remember him saying it. it was quite the sissy guy, actually. to be frank, I think he was even younger that I was at the time.
anyway, I haven’t seen a good looking guy at all since my boyfriend, who wasn’t very attractive himself. I haven’t had interest in any guy since my boyfriend, although I feel like I’ll kiss any guy soon. I feel like I’ll become a w**** just because I’m so desperate. I feel like anyone will be good enough, even if I’m so picky. I’m just so sad about it. I never really cry, but this just makes me cry my eyes out. I really want to be with that guy, that doesn’t seem to exist at all. I feel like I’ll become that grandma who’s been single all her life. I mean, those two months with my boyfriend were basically nothing, time wise.
and frankly, I don’t even have the time for a boyfriend. I’m occupied with school and my future. although my future is isolated. I never see myself as a mother, getting married. not even a divorce.