I had a long talk with one of my floor buddies who is in a 3-year relationship so far. I told him pretty much everything I feel. Then at the end I was crying and I probably looked stupid. He told me something, and I’ve been thinking about it since he said it. He said that I have to fight for what I want. Obviously, what I want is you. I never stopped loving or wanting you. I initiated the break-up because I thought it would be good for us, mainly you, to experience different things.
I brought up the point that (much like Frederic, as lame of me as it is to make a comparison to Pirates) how can you know you have the best person for you if you have only had one? I realized that I was trying to answer it from your perspective. Then I asked myself the question. The answer was this: I can’t know if I have the best person for me, but I don’t care, because I was happy with who I had. Obviously, this is you. My friend said something along the lines of, “It’s not like I’d have to go and screw five guys before I was like, “Oh, never mind, I liked THIS one the best,” and I understand that now. I wish I would have thought of it before I had initiated our break-up.
Sometimes, I make s***** decisions. These s***** decisions are often called mistakes. Leaving you was a huge, monstrous mistake. It’s like I were reading Deathly Hallows, got to the middle and said, “Damn, this is the best book I’ve read in my entire life!” And then set it down and never finish it. You are the best thing to have happened to me in my romantic life. And in my life of my friends. You know everything about me. You know everything, and you have dealt with my many flaws and even through them all, you told me that you loved me. I hope you still do.
Breaking up with you was a horrible thing to do. I should have never taken it into my own hands to decide what you needed. That is not my place. It never was my place. I know you don’t forgive me for it, but I hope that someday you can. I hate myself for doing it. I should have simply asked you, “Would you like to do this, or no?”
You and I have worked towards happiness for two years. I initiated the end of that journey prematurely. I shouldn’t have forced us apart. If we were meant to be apart, it would have happened on its own. Definitely not when everything was wonderful. I remember the last night so vividly. You said about fifteen different goodbyes and we hugged in the open door of your car for twenty minutes. I am so, so sorry.
I know that right now you are looking for something different. I would like to talk to you about what these things are, and wether or not I fulfill enough of them. Because all I know is that you are everything I want. I know you’re enjoying flirting with people. I’m happy that you’re finding joy in it. I also know about your feelings about [Name], and I’m completely behind whatever action you take with her. I know that you said that you were happier. I am so much worse. The first month apart from you, I lied to myself every day and said that I was fine. I was never fine. I was in denial. After two years of experiencing the glory that was your love and affection, there is no way in hell that I would be “okay” right after it was over. It’s going to take so much more time to be “okay” if I ever come to that. Here’s where I get nervous about writing what I want to say. I’m scared.
I want to be your boyfriend again. I want you to be my girlfriend again. I know you’re experiencing things like flirting and stuff. You told me you don’t feel desirable? Let me remind you just how much I desire you. I hate to sound like a cliche person, but without you, I feel hardly anything but pain. There is a giant hole in me, and it’s shaped like you. I want to be in a relationship with you that still allows you to be your own person and do what you want. I want to be with you until you decide you don’t love me anymore. We can talk about what this new relationship would be at a later point, if you want to. I’m just going to say the rest of my thoughts right now. I love you. I love you more than I have loved anyone else in my entire life. I may think some people are cute and adorable, but I literally cannot love anyone else. You spent two years being the best thing in my life and I want you to be there again. I don’t expect an answer today, tomorrow, or even in a week from now, but I need to ask you this. I need to fight for what I want. I need to fight for you.
I made a huge mistake. I admit it. I was wrong, and now I am paying for it. I ask that you take me back. I know we talked about the whole “foot-in-the-door” deal, and now I’m asking that we open the door and love each other again. I know you’re looking for other things, as I said before, and I would like to talk about these things with you. I want to see if I can be worth your love again. I am so sorry for doing this to you, and to us. I know you said you mildly hate me for doing it, and I think I said this earlier, but so do I. I hate my stupid decision-making skills. I am in the wrong. I am asking for your forgiveness, your love, and your hand to be mine to hold once more. I cherish you. I love you. I am so alone and stunted without you.
I request that you become mine, and I yours, again.