I seriously contemplate suicide at least once a week. I feel I do a good job of hiding this thing everyone. But I will sometimes spend long periods of time sitting at my desk not moving but just trying to imagine putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger with the clearest detailed images I can conjure up.

I feel like the expectations built up around me are insurmountable. I feel this way because it seems like everything I do, try to do, come up with fails. Everything…if “luck” is a real thing for some people I don’t have any of it. Apparently when I was born the luck fairy skipped my clear baby bin.

I feel like I am constantly paying in karma for something I must have done in a previous life (if that is a thing either). By that I mean I feel like the levels of failure that happen in my life are almost not by accident…or not by “luck of the draw” it feels like there are active forces working against me. Which in turn kind of makes me feel like my whole life is meaningless. But then on the other hand I know my life is meaningless…that the purpose of life in general is to live…which I think technically means suicide has the least meaning in life…idk.

The only thing that keeps me from doing it is imagining how my mom would feel. It would devastate her…she’d probably commit suicide too…followed by my brothers… I could never let that happen. So then here I am just continuing day by day. I have my fantasies of nothingness and the constant press of consistent and unavoidable failure and excess expectations placed on my shoulders and choking me as they weigh on my chest.

I suppose I feel a little bit better today having found out about this site. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have searched online for hours…h********** yourself without hurting your family…solutions to depression…I should probably also mention that I exercise regularly, eat on the healthier side (no fast food no pop no candy no crazy sugar intake)…I feel like I am doing everything right. Or at least the way that is “recommended” but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t fix the problem. Because failure is always right around the corner…or at least my perception of something is in many ways failure.

Say you expect X to happen if you do Y. All the books say X will happen if you do Y. Everyone around you says X will happen if you do Y. I have researched and planned all of my Y so as to guarantee X to happen….(this is where that past life karma comes in)…I get everything together. All of my “Y” is ready…and right at the point of execution F happens….F for a nice big F*** YOURSELF. I try to release some of my frustration and anxiety by explaining what I did to someone…and they generally agree X was supposed to happen….so why didnt it? Why doesnt it ever happen? Because I am destined to fail…X will never happen if I do Y because there is always a big F waiting for me at the end of every very hard and bumpy road.

So I can either commit suicide or accept that my life will always be a failure…jumping the border into Mexico sounds nice too. Just head to Mexico with no plan and just get completely fucked up on whatever is available and drown in the Ocean drunk…that sounds pretty nice actually.