i feel somewhat like a jacob in the bible i am not totally transparent in my dealings w others i am in financial survival mode and have asked people for money or help w this that or the other and its been misdirected at times so now i feel like a hypocrite at the Time i say this or that i mean pretty much what i say i get home and then look at checkbook evaluate bills give money to roommate intended for this and it goes to that so i m scared im in this endless loop and i dont want to deceive manipulate people but i think i do at times even if consciously i do not go in w that intention i am a sinner and still need Gods Grace as i fall short everday of expectations of others as well as my own there are extenuating circumstances and im not sure brutal honesty about everything w everybody is always the best sometimes there are things better left unsaid but i dont want to be in a continuous loop of not being able to be transparent and i d rather not battle my conscience wondering about things later
