I have an eating disorder and I’m very scared because I may or may not get my period tomorrow. I went 2 months without one but I somehow got it back, and tomorrow is the day I’m technically supposed to get my next period. I haven’t been eating more and I started exercising more frequently, however I do have pms this time. I’m scared because I’m scared I’m f****** my body up so badly that it’s shutting down. I’m already losing my hair and I feel cold most of the time. At the same time my body dysmorphia is getting progressively worse. Even though I’m at my lowest weight, I feel incredibly fat and I can no longer see the truth in the mirror. My waist looks fatter than before even though when measured, it’s the smallest it’s been. My thighs are also skinnier than before when I measured them but I hate them more than I used to. I can touch my thumb and pinkie when wrapped around my wrist but I still feel like I’ve gained weight. I hate myself. Both for ruining my mental health and destroying my body and also because I’m not skinny enough. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to drop below 103 lbs for like a month and at the same time I feel like s*** because I know I shouldn’t weigh this little, I shouldn’t be willingly destroying my own body. I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS WHY CANT I BE HEALTHY AGAIN IVE LITERALLY FUCKED MYSELF UP BEYOND A POINT WHERE I CANT FIX IT MYSELF. Not that I’m going to tell my parents and go to a doctor anytime soon. Idk depends on how s***** I feel about myself and how my health declines. But yeah gotta love my mother saying that people with mental illness are a burden. I would’ve told her but I feel like she’s gonna dismiss my concerns and say that I know nothing about eating disorders and I’m probably being over dramatic. I sWEAR TO GOd I hate this situation so much. But like at the same time I wanna see how long I can keep this doing. I’ve developed this ed in the beginning of summer so I’m curious to see if I can keep it for a year without anyone knowing. But yeah so far this has been going for almost half a year. Woooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! To think about it, I now have something to write my college essays about. Bruh I’m really looking forward to college and living alone because then I don’t have to eat at all. Chile anyways so…… I got a 5.0 gpa last quarter so I’m like #1 at my f****** school. Yea this eating disorder s*** is making me miserable but like I feel better after ranting, right now my unreasonable side of the brain has taken over and I feel no concern over my physical health. Thank you for listening to this rant, I have nobody to talk about this to so this has been helpful, but at this moment of time I am happier than in the beginning