Sometimes I don’t want to talk about Roo’s diagnosis because I can’t help you process it yet. One of the hardest parts of talking to others about our struggles is dealing with their emotions, especially when you’re first breaking the news to friends or family. I would often feel like I was taking on the role of counselor to help others through my hard time, and it was more than I could take. So I would sometimes avoid phone calls, get-togethers, etc, so that I didn’t have to have those one-on-one “sessions.” It’s easier now, but I still try to make a quick exit from conversations where I feel like I have turned into the therapist for someone who is trying to figure out how to help their friend (ME!) deal with her son’s diagnosis.
Sometimes I’m still sad. But when I grieve, I am grieving for Roo and the hardships that he will face, not because of Roo. And when I struggle inside myself, it is that Mommy Guilt that most moms know all too well, the guilt of wondering if I am making the right choices for Roo—not guilt over struggling to love my child. I am completely, totally, wholeheartedly in love with this sweet baby boy. How could I not be? I’m not being very productive right now. My kids are all asleep in bed (Lamb is home from school with a fever.), the van is full of stuff from Wal-Mart, the dishes need to be done, my to-do basket on my desk is full… and I’m blogging. It looks like it’s time for me to get to work.