i haven’t let things out in a while. i’ve been trying not to use this website because it’s yours but i’m not feeling good today. i haven’t been feeling great any other day but i’ve been able to hold up enough to not come here and post where u don’t wanna hear from me. i miss you everyday a lot but today there was j something there that was more. i cried a lot i keep waking up everyday at 5:30 idk what that is but i also had a dream about you. we were together in my room just talking laying there and it felt really nice. we weren’t together but it felt like the first time seeing you in a while. we kissed which was nice because i haven’t kissed u in a long time and i miss that. i woke up super sad obviously wanting to text you but i cannot. is it unhealthy to think of someone so much throughout their day. you don’t even think about me but my whole day is full of you. today this tiktok came up to me. it really pulled out all the emotions in me i broke. it said i need to stop being so codependent and self destructive. that i’m holding myself back with the same cycles you know i need to let go of and get rid of because they don’t benefit anyone and my heart just sank because i just constantly ruin things. i think i’m doing better though. honestly i know i’m doing better. everyday i journal on self reflection for the day for self improvement because i want you to know i’m actually working on myself and trying. me saying i changed isn’t good enough and so i decided to take my time and literally write down my wrongs. one day i hope i get to show you if you talk to me again because i want you to know i am trying and still gonna be here no matter how far you go. i wwnt you to know i changed and i know what i do erong and i learn my lessons. i write the lessons down thwt i learn so you know. my faith holds strong still. i’m gonna go distract myself with fortnite. i cant get off all day because it’s my only distraction. i shouldn’t really distract myself because my feelings don’t go away but it’s something. i hope i get to play with you one day. i know you didn’t want to but maybe we can. i also have an essay to write by tonight and i couldn’t hold it in i just have a lot to do with a lot of things in my head. i’m stressing about us and really overwhelmed today. i hope your day is okay though. i also can’t rlly stop getting high which probably isn’t good but i feel happy when i do. maybe we can also do that one day. but i haven’t done anything to myself so i hope that makes you happy or if ur even a little bit proud of me. everytime i type i love you here i feel a bunch of emotions i would as if i was sayinf it to you. it makes me feel good and one day i hope i get to say goodnight i love you again, or goodmorning love how’d you sleep. how’s your day bean. i like the little nicknames. i hope you had a good day today. i hope you’re gaining your weight too. i know i got you those protein bars but you didn’t really want them but they were for you to gain weight. i hope you’re doing good in school and college isn’t stressing you out a lot. i hope your family is good and your brother isn’t being a douche and your mom and dad aren’t having as many problems. i hope everyone is okay and healthy. hopefully ur seeing friends and keeping busy. even getting more friends i hope you are having more people in your life to make you smile. you were always anti social pls but i know when your shell breaks you are the most fun person to be around and people would love to be your friend. you deserve positive energy in your life. i love you and miss you. im doing better for you and hopefully one day for us if you allow it. maybe we can talk soon. i hope you have a goodnight and eat a phat dinner