I’m losing weight again. I passed my goal two days ago and I was so happy till something came up and threw me off again and I lost my appetite yesterday. I have to eat about 3,000 calories a day and yesterday I could only get to 2,000. There’s always something that ruins me. There’s always something or someone or some event that fucks me over and makes me feel so s*****. It’s not my fault that people start to lose value to me. If you continuously hurt me, I will start to lose respect for u. If you keep bashing me and making me hurt and cry all the time, I will start to go from getting happy vibes from you to getting bad vibes. If you keep hitting your dog, the moment you put ur hand up one day it WILL flinch. The day you finally wanna be kind to it and put your hand out to pet itand hold it, it will flinch bc you j trained it to assume you are going to hurt them. And if u did it bad enough, it eventually wants to hide form you. I want to hide from u bc u hurt me so much. you dont seem to understand that. you think it’s easy to just go back. I don’t wanna go through hard times for u. I have priorities, I wanna meet new people who dont have the nerve to hurt me from day one. you dont know my fckn worth. if you knew my worth, you wouldnt do the things u do that risk me getting to this point. I lay in bed sometimes and thinkn about the times we had, i think about going to the lake and laughing with u. I think about how we never felt awkward when around each other since the first day ive met u in person. I have never not been akward with someone when I first meet them, with u it clicked. Everytime we come back together, it clicks. I think about the times i slept next to u and woke up to u, the days we called. I think about the times we laid in complete silence with my ear on ur chest hearing ur heart pound and realizing that i am with an actual person who loves me. the times i built trust and was healing myself to love u more and more which i did. i went from not trusting u to trusting u and loving u and showing more of my feelings till it all crashed down again when i found out the b******* u did to me behind my back when i was trying so hard to trust u again. and now u want me to do it all over again for what? the issue with u is one day u can love me so much and still manage to hurt me behind my back which is more scary than someone who doesnt love me and can hurt me behind my back. I will look for that relationship we had with someone else because it was the best thing that ever happened but i will make sure they wont make the same mistakes u made because it ruins it all. Someone told me that leaving a toxic relationship is not hard because of the moving on or the getting over them part. It is hard because you know that the moment u let go, you cant go back. if we were still in love and none of the s*** u did to hurt me happened, we wouldve been back together and better than ever. but the relationship is toxic and it always will be. i have lost focus in my classes, i cant eat this morning, its like im starting over with moving on again because you cant j let it be. U cant j let go of us and ik why u cant bc i dont wanna let go either but i have reasons to. the reason u cant let go is because i did nothing but love u and take s*** from u. thats why u cant let go, u have this thought thats like “i cant lose it there was nothing wrong w it, my mistakes can be fixed. I can fix myself by sitting down and thinking abt s***” but what does that do for me? idk if u fckn changed, months ago u told me u changed and then a few weeks ago u said u still havent changed to the point that i needed u to. this is j some s*** i was thinking and i have to put it somewhere. i hope i get over u soon. i hope i gain weight and regain focus in my classes, i hope i continue to build myself and heal so that the day the universe finally gives me what i deserve ill be ready for them. ive done so much good to everyone i just want the good karma to fckn happen already and give me someone who is delicate with my emotions like i am w theirs. im sure it’ll happen soon. Im in college and i already met new people online since we are online this week but next week im going to try and get close w them. im also going to switch colleges soon to a more public school with many more people that i already know and hopefully all this changes and new people help me go on for the better.