i just found this website i think my ex used to use this but i just need to write this, i need to let it out. on tuesday i decided maybe for the first time i’m gonna go out with a friend like i haven’t gone out in who knows how long with friends. i thought we’d get food and go on a drive but i was wrong because he had other plans. he brought me back to his house which i was so unsure about. in the car we talked and i told him i dated girls i dated **** and i was 15 years old. he was like 19 years old i think. we were friends that was all i wanted friends. i lost everyone months ago and i finally got the courage to make friends and he used me. he reminded me why i never go out. he grabbed me by the neck and pushed himself up against me from behind. he turned my head and started kissing me and i tried pulling away but i couldn’t. i’m so weak i feel so incapable of anything he was older he could do anything he wanted to. he took my hand and he moved it down to where his thing was and i told him no i don’t do this i’ve never done this before. i’m not the type to go and hookup with people especially when i’m gay and he’s 4 years older than me. it was statutory r***. he kept my hand there moving it until he finished. his pig self finished everywhere and i stood there trying not to cry while one tesr just went down my face. i texted natalie faster than i did anything and i asked her to please call me and say ur gonna pick me up right now to go out. i left and blocked him on everything. his number, instagtam, snapchat. i just wanted a friend and this is what happened to me. a week earlier i lost the person i love to a very stupid mistake that i wish she’d known and gave me the opportunity to be in her life again. i always make efforts for her when i do wrong and i’ve been trying this time but she’s blocked me everywhere. it doesn’t mean i’ll give up but i’m sad and i’m hurting but it doesn’t compare to how i always hurt her. she asked me what do i want she asked me do i really not want anyone else or do i not know how to move on because she didn’t wanna be hurt by another p************ mistake. and with everything in my heart i don’t want a single person that isn’t her. i don’t want to i csnt move on and i won’t hurt her. i know the amount of times i repeated i wouldn’t hurt her are countless but it isn’t in my heart anymore. she’s the one and i needed to mature i needed time on my own to change i needed time to hurt and think about how i caused the woman i love soo much more pain than this. i love her and i’ll do anything for her back but i just don’t know what yet. it’ll come to me but i hope she stays strong until then and realizes i’m here to stay.