I find myself unable to sleep. I am very stressed out; I am also extremly bitter and upset. Life is awful. I no longer want to stay alive, but I have to. I am the only one left with my sister, and we are on our own. I can no longer smile at her for I am no longer optimistic. I don’t want to adopt a cat anymore, and I don’t want to travel. I want to sleep, forever. I go to sleep everyday wishing I don’t wake up. Did my past partner s*** the life out of me? I thought I would get better after he blocked me. Who knows how he is right now. Maybe he is just as miserable as I am. I hope not. I hope he is happy. I hope he made some friends, and started talking to a girl he likes.

I want to make my sister happy. She deserves the best. She is the kindest, most genuine sweet person you will ever meet. After our mother’s death, everything changed. Actually, everything changed the day I knew that she got cancer. I thought financial stability would make me okay, but it didn’t. I can buy clothes and whatever useless crap I want, but I am not happy. Why am I still alive? Why didn’t I die instead? I wish I were dead.

Getting flashbacks of when I was younger. God, I used to be so happy. Didn’t we all? But at some point it just happens: you lose hope. You lose your faith. I am glad my sister seems happy, at least one of us is. She loves hanging out with her friends and keeps telling me to go out with her. She is so sweet, she wants to introduce me to all of her friends. I hung out a couple of times with 2 of my friends. They don’t give a s*** about me. Or maybe they do. I don’t know. But I am too tired of asking people to hang out with me. I am not complaining though; it’s perfectly fine. I am glad I have people to call friends. My ex didn’t, and my heart ached whenever he said that no one texts him back. He has a pure heart. He deserves better, as well as my sister.

I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. I hate how unfair life is. It is what it is though.

I will try forcing myself to sleep like I do everyday. Can’t stop listening to “Hurt” in my head, “What have I become, my sweetest friend?”