It’s taken me 4 years to talk about this but I think I’m finally ready. I’ve never talked about it outloud to anyone because when I tried talking about it with friends it was slightly dismissed, which I’ll talk about later. But in 2016 I was assaulted. By someone I considered a friend.

A few days prior to the assault I had admitted to this boy that I liked him. I knew he didn’t reciprocate but I was a month into my break up with my pretty abusive ex (who i later went back to) and I was feeling bold because I had freedom for the first time in 2 years. Anyways, he said he wasn’t looking for anything, I knew that. Just said I was putting it out there.

A few days later I had tried to invite him to watch a movie. He didn’t really give an answer so I assumed it was a no. Instead I went to the beach at night, alone. It was about mid January, it was cold I was wearing a scarf a beanie a flannel jeans and boots. I posted pics of the beach on social media. He responded asking what I was doing, who I was with. I told him. He said I could go to his place to hang out. This was before the term “Netflix and chill” so I assumed we were really just going to hang out, like I would with any other friend. He told me to wait because he was going to eat. I waited and waited and waited, finally I texted him after 40 minutes and said I was going home because it was taking too long. He said that I could go over now so at that point I figured why not.

I got to his house, assuming his parents were home. To this day I don’t know if they actually were. I sat on his bed. We talked a bit. And decided to watch a movie. He put on Hot Rod. He leaned over me. I assumed he was turning off the lamp next to me but he kissed me. I was confused at first. Again I knew he didn’t like me. But I figured kissing was fine I mean I liked him so how could I pass on this opportunity right? We made out for a bit. Shirts came off. He reached for my pants and I stopped him and I said these exact words “[his name] I am not going to have s** with you”.

He asked why. That should’ve been my cue to leave. I had my own personal reasons for not wanting to which is a longer story, not that I need a reason to not want to have s** with someone, but I told him “bc your parents are here”. He didn’t really answer. We kept kissing. He got on top of me and reached again.

Again I said no I’m not having s** with you. He said “ but we can take our pants off and not have s**” I said ok. Hesitant but I did say ok. Kept kissing. He reached for my underwear band. I stopped him again. And again said no I’m not having s** with you. He stopped. Kept kissing. Then he shoved his hand in my underwear and was inside of me. I remember being shocked, frozen because he just did what I did not want him to do. I remember his words. His forehead on mine, he said “Well we might as well have s** now”. And all I could say was “ok.” I remember he got up to get a condom and my head kept telling me run. Go. Leave. But I couldn’t move. I just laid there.

I remember it felt like forever. I remember my phone vibrating over and over again, my mom asking me where I was. I remember when it was done I laid there away from him and he told me to lay with him. I remember being so confused as to how this person who I’ve known for years could do that to me. I remember leaving. I remember getting home and my mom being upset because I was out late. I remember not being able to tell her. I remember showering and scrubbing my skin until I was red.

I remember the next day with my friends. Telling them I didn’t want it, but they said it was just bad s**. I know what they meant. I know they didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Maybe that’s my fault. It’s my fault for not explaining that I said no and he didn’t listen. It’s my fault for going in the first place. It’s my fault for not sticking to my “no”. For not stopping him. For not leaving. For not reporting. For so long after that I blamed myself. I kept trying to talk to him because somehow that would make it better? Like if we were friends, if somehow we could get to the point where I would want s** maybe it would cancel out the fact that he didn’t listen the 3 times I said no to him. I blatantly told him that I was not going to have s** with him. And he ignored me. I blamed myself for years. But I can’t blame myself anymore.

I’m thinking about posting this on my twitter. He follows me there. I dont know.