I haven’t been posting online or interacting with much except for very few BLM resource posts for others. I haven’t posted anything personal on ANY accounts even those I made to vent and talk to people.
I just keep doing this. I just can’t believe that I should talk anymore. I can’t get behind the idea that people are checking up on me or asking me how I am or what I’m feeling.
I don’t feel like I can. I’ve never felt I can.
I feel so socially inept and no matter how much therapy I went through no matter how much people tell me they care.
And that’s stupid right? I KNOW people care and I KNOW my problems matter but I can’t be convinced.
I want to talk about my eating disorder
I want to talk about my depression
I want to talk about how much my PTSD has been affecting me
I mean, I haven’t slept more than a couple hours each night for a good few days now I can’t even keep track.
But there’s nothing to talk about
There’s nothing new
Because even after I type everything out, I just ask myself “but who cares? No one is going to be able to help me right now”
Because I don’t believe I have problems myself
And normally I have at least one account I post to about anything and everything. Like a diary. But even my diary doesn’t care about me.
Just skim over it like anyone else.
And I don’t have the right words to talk to people
I don’t have the money for the therapy I need anymore
I can’t behave like normal people
Every time I’m in a meeting with coworkers I feel like whenever I speak, people roll their eyes and everyone goes quiet trying to understand me. I’m just…exhausting to be around.
And I’m not normally this depressing or pathetic sounding. That’s the point. I don’t want to be a drain but I feel like that’s all I am.
A drain to my boyfriend and roommate. A drain to my friends. A drain on my coworkers.
I feel very small but that I take up too much room.
And these feelings of never being enough or never being as socially aware as everyone else haven’t gone away. They’ve only gotten stronger since high school.
It makes me thing I have some sort of personality disorder
But!! I can’t confirm that!! And I can’t get help for that!!! I refuse to start therapy until I know a certain therapist will work for me.
I’ve had too many bad ones.
I’ve had too many misunderstandings and concepts I didn’t agree with (because no, believe it or not I don’t want to make a vision board RIGHT after I leave my abusive parents. I wanted to talk and be secure in the fact I did the right thing. It truly was the wrong kind of therapy for me)
None of this will hold as much impact as it will for you reading this as it will for me writing this
I can’t convey all my thoughts and the extent of my feelings to a stranger.
And I know this won’t make a whole lot of sense on the first read
And it seems hypocritical that I would post here and claim I’m not posting on any media
But at least here, I know no one is going to reach out to me
I know that if anyone reads this I’m just another post in the crowd
And I won’t have to feel as guilty for posting and making people worry and try to contact me only for me to ignore it and pretend I’m ok to the world again
And as I’m finishing up I realize how stupid and pathetic I sound
How anyone reading this could easily think I’m an angsty 13 year old kid.
But I’m an adult. And that’s what makes this more pathetic.
Because it seems everyone else is able to outgrow these feelings
But I can’t
They feel like they’re a part of me