so yesterday, maybe 20 hours ago, I took a hefty amount of fluoxetine – maybe 12-14 pills, small dose but. Well. It’s been a near full f****** day and it just gets worse and worse.

I was gonna kill myself, the usual s***, but meds are such a slippery slope to take to get there and I quickly wimped out- even poured out the maybe two cups worth of vodka I had left (would have hardly been a buzz but I was desperate). After all that I went to bed, woke up a while later, and thought I had the flu a second time this year – I was shivering, nearly puked trying to eat a pear, and had really dilated pupils. It was like the time I OD’d on adderall, but at least with this one I’m able to swallow and speak, so.. yay??

Anyways, I took a quick bath and somehow went back to sleep asap, hoping to nap it off. Waking up for the second time a few hours later, I think I either felt way better (in that sort of numb, “you’re in for it now” kind of way) or terribly worse – regardless, the shakes soon came back with a vengeance and things started plunging down to where I am now. I’ve still got all the same ‘symptoms’ as before, but now it comes in extreme waves; I’ll feel fine, like it’s out of my system, before very suddenly going into this awful f****** oversensitive state. I can hear so many things, there’s too many colors and shapes to look at, and I can sometimes hear voices coming from the other side of a wall, or humming. The humming was probably the worst one of them all – came specifically from outside, like something was out there, big and loud and way too nearby.

I know I’ll survive this – I’ve already survived the rest, 2/3 ODs and blackout drinking binges under my belt – but damn if it isn’t scary just how long it’s lasting, and so unpredictably coming and going at that! Familiar to shrooms, but whole lot less fun and way more shaky. I’m honestly surprised, as a person who has on and off seizure/paralysis episodes (probably from those 2/3 ODs, f***** oops), that I’m only shaky rn.. Maybe it’ll get worse.

The upside to all this is that in the highs of these waves, I feel perfectly fine – numb, but not panicked, and not a single f***** thought in my head. It’s nice! Worth the shakes and paranoia for sure.