15 years
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My friend S. died in a car crash just less than two years ago. We went to high school together. I was really attached to her because I had always been sort of a shy wallflower and she made a special effort to make me feel included, without talking down to me. She was always sincerely friendly, not the kind of false friendliness that people put on when they’re trying to be nice, but the kind of friendliness that goes on between people that have known each other for a long time. She always had a smile for everyone, and could make anyone feel comfortable. She never knew my last name, and I didn’t know hers until after she died.

When the news of her death came to school, nearly everyone was upset. It was the first of three fatal car crashes of high school students that year. My other friends were especially upset. Some of them had really puffy eyes the next day, others were just brooding. Some reacted gratefully to a hug, others gave me a weird look. It didn’t really sink in for me, it just kind of stayed on the surface as a fact, like a puddle on hard ground. I wasn’t preoccupied by the matter, didn’t see the school pyschologist who offered to talk to friends of her and the boy who remained in critical condition but still survived. I didn’t cry, and I didn’t really think about it. It didn’t really stay in my mind much.

Then, three days ago, I was driving home. My mind was sort of blank, and I was just kind of observing the road pass by. I passed construction work on the road I was on, and for some reason she, and her death just sort of drifted into my mind. I don’t really know what caused it to. Her death was at night, around midnight or later. I was driving at around 2:30 pm. It was a clear, cool night for her. It was a humid, drizzly afternoon for me. She was going home from a band competition/party, rushing at 70ish mph to get home. I was going slowly from school. She was unbuckled, in the back seat, going with friends. I was alone, and buckled, watching the roadwork police officers wave me on. There was no similarities between the situations, no notable trigger for a memory, other than driving, and even then in different types of cars. Additionally, there were tons of other times that I’d been driving along without remembering it.

Anyways, my eyes started watering and I got really heavy. I cried for the first time over her death since it happened my freshman year. I don’t understand why it took so long for it to sink in, and now I can’t get it off my mind. I haven’t cried about it since, either, but I can’t really push it away again. It’s not like it’s the constant center of my attention, more like that it’s just sort of floating in the shadows and occasionally peaking out since I remembered it. As I said, it hasn’t made me cry since that one time, nor has it moved me to tears again, but it still makes me heavy.

I don’t understand why it took so long. I don’t understand why it only made me cry once. I don’t understand why it took so long to register emotionally, when factually it was accepted rather quickly. 🙁

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I got mad at my boyfriend for talking to other girls in front of me, while I sat on his best friends lap. I feel like a hypocrite but at the same time I feel valid. My boyfriend asked me to do this, to play this role with his friend. My boyfriend and I are not supposed to be seen together in front of certain friends of his, and at this party I had to pretend to be his best friends girl so that no other guy would try to hit on me. Okay, so I played along and was now the girlfriend of his best friend. I did not tell him to flirt with other ladies right in front of me, or to dance with them. So I’m feeling petty, mad, and his friend is buying me drink after drink. I’m upset that I can’t be on my boyfriend so I start milking it with the friend, my ‘boyfriend’ of the night. I hold on his waist, I sit on his lap, to other couples that we talk to ‘we’re going to try for a child this year’, like we’re playing the part to a T, he’s feeling on me, were dancing naughty on the floor. I’ve never danced with anyone like that and I had a really good time with him because he looked after me so well. He didn’t even let me go to the bathroom alone, he’d wait by the door. He was so sweet. But I was so upset at my boyfriend for not even like trying to come say hi, check on me or anything. He was too busy with other ladies. By the end of the night, I was pretty toasty. I don’t even remember going to the last bar, but I remember being there again on his friends lap. He’d just hold me and talk to me while my boyfriend was again, talking to another girl. I told my ‘boyfriend of the night’ how upset it made me, and how I didn’t want to put up with it. Maybe I said a little much.. and I kind of regret it. I didn’t and wouldn’t kiss the friend, I would not sleep with the friend. But my boyfriend said ‘i’m not upset, but if I was not there i’m sure things would have escalated between the two of you’. Which I kind of took offense to because I was doing what he told me to! I’ve only been with two guys and him! Three total, I don’t sleep around! and he has the nerve to say that. I don’t know. I’m upset, but I also feel like a hypocrite. Maybe I milked it too hard by dancing with the friend, by holding his thigh while we sat together. UGH I get flustered just thinking about it! But he made me feel safe and like I could do those things without anything more happening! He was kind and didn’t push any limits. There was no risk between us. But I did have a good time. I am debating on whether or not to message the friend (get this, the friend and I are connected on social media but my own bf won’t unblock me because he can’t risk people knowing about us because hes married..) ANYWAY I was debating on whether or not to message the friend and just thank him for the night. and also apologize for.. getting a little sloppy and handsy.. I hold my face in embarrassment just thinking about it.
I asked my bf after that night if he was upset with me, and he say’s ‘Nah I really don’t care, just s*** me off’. . .
I’m so … stupid.

So after writing this, I messaged the friend. I apologized for getting handsy and thanked him for the fun night. He said he had a GREAT time with me and that I should be brought out to dance more. (I never get taken out to dance.) The realization of all of this is making me cry lol.. I’m feeling even more conflicted than I was ten minutes ago. . . Well time to go back to work in the office now.