I wonder if this was caused by a miscommunication that could have been fixed. That night when I was drunk I blocked it after a certain point so I have no idea if you answered back or called for the next few days. Maybe you did and I missed it. Admittedly the blocking has been a problem with others too. I tried to leave it unblocked but was afraid id keep texting mean stuff so I blocked it to stop myself. The next 2 weeks I blocked again so I wouldn’t bother you (because you asked for space ). Maybe you did try and couldn’t get through then blocked me back. I don’t know. Then by the time I had unblocked and checked you had reblocked me again ect ect. Honestly maybe you did mean well with the letter, I had no idea I was coming. Maybe I hurt your feelings again somehow or did something to make you block again by the time I got. Which is understandable but I had no idea it was coming. Then I didnt get a response and thought it was goodbye. And probably hurt you again. And sent a goodbye card. Screwed up again. Maybe you didnt mean you wanted space forever at the beginning just a couple days but I didnt understand that because im so used to being abandoned. I feel like I have to stay away then. I push away and get scared. by the time I calm down enough to reach out again now you’re gone.

I guess what im saying is I think this was the result of poor communication. And maybe could have been fixed if we had communicated and not blocked each other. I feel sick knowning maybe you did reach out early on and I missed it because I got scared and blocked too….thats why I was hoping to talk honestly. I understand for you its now too late. But I dont quite understand what happened. Sometimes I dont understand how my actions affect people at all. I really would like to try to understand so maybe I wont repeat this in the future and keep losing people. Even if its too late here, I feel like I lost something precious and don’t quite understand . If it was miscommunication at least I can walk away knowing that. and know how I can do better with someone else. I guess. I dont want to keep losing people or be lonely, I want love. I want to not be alone for holidays because I am a monster that makes people run away. I want to understand so I can learn from it. And no you don’t owe me that. No one owes me anything society reminds everyday . I know people don’t care. But you did and I ruined that. if I have to accept the painful lesson I do and will but at least I just want to learn from it. I dont want my whole life to be like this. Please is it possible?

The last thing id ever want is to force someone to talk to me. Im sorry to ask. I just don’t want this to continue being my future. I don’t want to be a monster anymore. Please help me understand what happened.
If a phone call is too much maybe email?

Im sorry to ask.