IN REPLY TO THESE PERSON CONSTANTLY SAYING THAT I HAD SUCH CHRONIC UNATTRACTIVENESS AS A TEENAGER AND YOUNG ADULT THAT NO MAN WOULD WANT…. I HAVE WRITTEN TO CHARLES MANSON… BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT BE MY POPCORN BUT MY BILL AND I FEEL CERTAIN THAT I COULD BE HAPPIER WITH CHARLES MANSON THAT WITH MOST MEN… HE WOULD BE MY BILL!!!!!!!!!!!
Otherby running a search engine in silver daddies, discovered that mrk has opened a profile in silver daddies. i altered my profile there and learned that he has already established contact with a person he is considering for a fwb relation to complement his marriage to cth. i proceeded incognito and wrote to him that i was interested in him and that i am in a sexless relation. he replies telling me that he has to see where things with a guy he met go. he then adds that he only wants a to consider something with me if i inform my partner of the fact that i am looking for s** outside my relation and seeing another guy. this indeed interesting as it seems that he is abiding by high principles even as he steps into the chaotic and cut throat world of online gay cruising.
my reaction to this was positive and sad. positive because i realized that even after cth demanded that he no longer be my friend, the result of the fact that she learned he loves me, he is continuing to pursue meeting a guy on line as a gay man. it was sad because i realized that indeed it might be the case that mrk will meet someone and disappear from entirely. i am very happy that his abusive and guiltlaying wife cth has not forced him back into the closet.
cth is indeed silly to have forced mrk into the nsa and fwb gay dating scene. indeed i think she is gambling as mrk could potentially meet someone who could pull him away from her causing him to break up with her; her motivation for forbidding he be my friend was that she knew he loved me and feared that he would want me as his lover and pull away from her, something that was unlikely given that i too have a solid relation with a man. there was also and element of extreme jealousy as she knew that mrk was in a very solid arrangement with me and that he was happy and found that our encounters filled him with “ecstasy “; what she had with mrk and i was indeed more predictable and sustainable as we had been in that arrangement already for over 5 years and i had not in any way attempted to stop her relation with mrk, nor mrk attempted to stop my relation with ed. it seems to me that by cth forcing mrk into the gay dating scene she has opened a pandora’s box that could lead into the demise of her relation with mrk. i will explore this from behind the scene. i suspect that she thinks that because she has forced him to open his email account to her that she will be able to monitor the situation and that since she has made him financially dependent on her, the result of emotionally-blackmailing and guilt tripping him into selling her his share of their house for one us dollar, that she will be able to curb any development that endangers her hegemony in the relation with threats of divorce and the implied financial armageddon that such a move would mean for mrk . i suspect this will not be enough to hold mrk from taking flight into the gay world once he has a taste of its freedom and excesses.
on another note, this morning heard from tku, my previous buddy to mrk and whom i saw for over 8 years prior to his decision to get married and become a normal man. he was very friendly and sweet and i could sense a certain sadness in his voice. indeed tku is another one of those gay men that weds in order to embrace a normal life. he told me that he would like to speak with me and possibly visit me.
i have been increasing the intensity of my search in the hope to meet another buddy to take mrk’s place.
I conclude this post by quoting some of mrk’s quotes on cth:
Quotes by Mark’s on Catherine:
“You are suggesting that I think of popcorn when I see her, but I can’t get past her looks. Don’t know anyone who could do that”, Mark, 2013.
“I wrote that letter telling you I didn’t want to see you in order to stop Catherine from blackmailing you. I just put down what she wanted me to say”, Mark 2012.
” I can’t tell her that I need a man to love. So I call it a special bond or male bonding. She is my special bond. She will eventually know what I mean”, Mark 2013.
” I always get my way. So Catherine will just have to get used to what I want”, Mark 2013.
” S** with men feels extremely natural to me with Catherine it feels like a chore”, Mark 2009.
“I don’t look forward to having s** with Catherine, but she needs to have her needs taken care of”, Mark 2013.
“I sold her the house for one dollar. So if I were to walk out from this marriage I would be left with nothing”, Mark 2013.
“The reason I stay in the marriage is not only because of financial issues, Catherine is my sister and my companion… She is definitely not my ‘it’ or my ‘popcorn love’ and will never be”, Mark 2013.
“I call her my soul mate, but she is more of a sister/lifemate/companion. I would love for her to find a man to give her what she needs”, Mark 2013.
” I love her like a sister, but she doesn’t want to hear that. So I act like I love her in the way I can love a man”, Mark 2013.
“She is my lifemate and companion. But I lead a special bond with a man. When I speak of special bond with a man I means love, but I don’t put it that way. I have to play down the L word”, Mark 2013.
“I love Catherine, but she is not “it”, and she knows that. She can sense it”, Mark 2013.
“Catherine is a great companion and I like doing things with her. If she only accepted me as her roommate and let me be who I am ! “, Mark 2013.
“She says that it would be too painful being my roommate. So I can’t ask her to be my roommate”, Mark 2013, variant in 2012.
“When we go on the cruise I told her I would be ok if she found a man and that I would have no problems with that… She got so angry, threw me out of the house, and told me that I have no empathy…So I have to act like I don’t want her to find a man.”, Mark 2013.
“It is wonderful that you (Sal) care about Catherine’s feelings so much. But you seem to think that hurting her with my honest feelings is fine; I don’t agree with you since she could have a breakdown”, Mark 2013.
“Imagine having to be ‘lovy dovy’ with someone you find so unattractive… She wants me to put her picture on my desk at work, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to”, Mark 2013.
“She asked me if I didn’t like any thing about her and I said I liked her hair”, Mark 2013.
” I told her that I would put her picture on my desk only to calm her down. But I don’t like the thought”, Mark 2013.
“The only people I want in my life are you (Sal) and Catherine”, Mark 2013.
“I will be so nice with Catherine that she will agree to anything”, Mark 2013 (referring to how he would behave during cruise of 2013 to get her to accept him loving a man).
“These days, I have to say nice things about her looks so that she can gets the courage to find a man”, Mark 2013.
“She won’t let me stay overnight with a man, unless she has a man herself and she does the same. I hope she can find a man”, Mark 2013.
“When she told her therapist that I wanted love with a man she (the therapist) replied: Wouldn’t you also want the same? “, Mark 2013.
“I know she thinks she is unattractive, and I agree. I don’t think there is a man out there that would want her. So I will have to stay with her “, Mark 2013.
” I have hurt my wife for 29 years; so feel guilty leaving her”, Mark 2013.
“Catherine won’t let me love a man. She has drawn that line in the sand and can’t get past it”, Mark 2013.
“I fought my same s** attraction all my life. I guess I just wanted to be normal”, Mark 2013.
“If Catherine knew how I feel about men, she would not want to be with me. So I keep it to myself “, Mark 2013.
” I have to agree with her that I will never love a man; so I do and call it male bonding, but I really mean love”, Mark 2013.
” I need her to initiate the divorce. I can’t do that. Then it will be her decision not mine. I like living with her, but she is not “it” for me. She will never be my popcorn love”, Mark 2013.
” I don’t think she can find a man out there that would like her; but you say she is not unattractive”, Mark 2013, variants in 2012,2011.
“You say it would be easy to find a man for her? Which dating services are we talking about?”, Mark 2013.
“Even after losing almost 50 pounds she still is not attractive, but she is not as repulsive looking”, Mark 2013.
“I had to take her to the hospital; the diet she went on to lose weight left her deficient (of some nutrients)”, Mark 2013.
” I have to have s** with her, and I told her I do it because I love her. I want s** with men only. She knows that”, Mark 2013.
” I have s** with her because she needs to have her needs taken care of; I don’t look forward to it, but I do it”, Mark 2013.
“When I told her once that I wanted her to wear a s****** so that she could f*** me she refused. She says she wants to be the woman”, Mark 2012.
” I liked her s******* because she was like a boy when she was young. Now she is unappealing “, Mark 2013, 2012.
“The other guy that I am seeing on the side when I can’t see you is over 60, but he is thin Catherine is physically repulsive”, Mark 2011.
” I love Catherine like a very good friend. She is my sister/lifemate/companion, and I want to spend my life with her; but she won’t agree to just being my friend. It is all or none for her”, Mark 2013.
” I will treat her great during the cruise so that when I come back I can tell her exactly how I feel… I will discuss the L word (love between him and man) and make it sound like male bonding “, Mark 2013.
“I would be so happy if she found a man and she just became my roommate, but every time I say that she gets very angry; so I can’t say it”, Mark 2013, 2012
“She doesn’t want to feel like my compromise”, Mark 2013.
“If I were to separate and live on my own I would only have something like 600 dollars a month for expenses. That would be difficult. I would not have money for food”, Mark 2013.
“I respect the fact that you don’t want me to break up with Catherine”, Mark many times in 2013.
“Catherine can’t get past the hurt. I have told her how good you were to her”, Mark 2013.
” I understand why Catherine want to have s** with a gay man. She is having her needs taken care of “, Mark 2013.
“I enjoy spending time with Catherine”, Mark many times over the years.
“I don’t look forward to spending romantic moments with Catherine, but I do it. She is physically so unappealing. I can’t believe you think a man could find her attractive”, Mark 2013.
“I can’t understand how you can get past my (Mark’s) body. My body is not a pleasant sight”, Mark many times over the years except when his weight came down to 224 pounds or so.
“I want to be skinny and s***”, Mark through out the years.
“She knows I want a man”, Mark very often in 2012 and 2013.
“She said that there was no way she could have known I was gay”, Mark 2013.
“She is not my ‘popcorn love’, and if she insists on being my ‘popcorn love’ I will use that as ground for divorce”, Mark 2013.
“I love Catherine as a sister but there is more to it; she is also a lifemate and companion. However, she doesn’t want to hear that.”, Mark 2013
“She wants me to act like a possessive husband. If she found a man, I would so happy”, Mark 2013.
“She broke things around the house, and told me she was going to go on Craigslist to find a man to f*** her. When she returned she was upset because I didn’t mind what she said. With her looks she would have a hard time finding anyone to f*** her. I wish she could”, Mark 2013.
“Can you believe that she asked me if I didn’t think she was the most beautiful woman in the world?!”, Mark 2012.
“The first 5 years (of our marriage) were good. She looked like a boy”, Mark 2013, 2012. (Mark never implied he liked liked minors.)
“Her boyfriend of seven years told her he wanted a woman, that she was too masculine”, Mark many times over the years.
“I can be affectionate with her sometimes. But she is not it”, Mark 2013.
“She would make these candle light dinners, but they were just ordinary events for me. She thought they were romantic (sarcasm)”, Mark 2013.
“I have to talk about ‘male bonding’ not loving a man, or she will not understand. But she will understand eventually”, Mark 2013.
“She won’t find a man because she thinks she is ugly and is not appealing. So I will have to stay with her; and I care about her”, Mark 2013.
“You think I think she is not attractive because I am gay; but I am right, few men would want her”, Mark 2013.
“Sometimes she has moments of clarity and tells me that she understands that I am gay, and that she was wrong in thinking of me as a straight husband”, Mark 2013.
“I don’t look forward to having s** with her, but I have to do it” , Mark 2013.
“You say I am lying to Catherine and that I should be honest with her, but I love her. She is my companion. I have been with her for 29 years. If I told her how I feel she would have a breakdown and need to be hospitalized”, Mark 2013.
“She will know who I am one day. For now I will just say I need male bonding”, Mark 2013.
“She breaks things around the house when I tell her what I really want. So I have to keep my desires to myself”, Mark 2013.
“I will be so nice to her that she won’t have a problem accepting my relation with you. Any other man would be risky for her as I know I can trust you (Sal) like no one”, Mark 2013.
“She told me she breaks things around the house because she knows I love the house”, Mark 2013
“I love buildings and men. I don’t love Catherine as I love a buildings or men”, Mark 2013.
“I respect the fact that you gave me my freedom and would let me discuss anything I wanted to discuss with you”, Mark 2013, variants in 2012, and 2011.
“I have never lied to you”, Mark 2013.
“I have broken many promises. So I can brake another one”, Mark 2013.
“She thinks that we are going to follow Grace (daughter) around the country. I don’t want to do that when I retire”, Mark 2013.
“I am ugly and unattractive, but I have a nice face. Its amazing that you like me, but you didn’t find my body attractive when you met me. Fortunately you
can look beyond that. I am not like you; I can’t look beyond Catherine unappealing body. I love her though in a special way. It would be great if she found a straight man to take care of her needs.”, Mark 2013.
“I want an open marriage with her, but she won’t even read the book I suggested she read”, Mark 2013.
“When I told her I wanted an open marriage, she became very angry”, Mark 2013.
“You and Catherine would love talking about math together”, Mark 2012, 2013, variants many other times.
“If Catherine only knew how much you protected her when I was going crazy”, Mark 2012, 2013.
“We can help Catherine find a man. I agree with you now that she is not ugly and that there is a man out there for her”, Mark 2013.
“I like your idea about being our coach and training with us; I want to look s***”, Mark 2013.
“It’s going to be great when you, Ed, Catherine and me (I) can have dinners together”, Mark 2013, 2012.
“You (Sal) were so good to Catherine”, Mark 2013.
“She thinks you (Sal) made me gay. She has no clue. I was always attracted to men. Any man would have done it”, Mark 2013.
“No I don’t d********** well because I learned to s*** (c***) in p*** shops as you think. I learned from watching videos and practicing on sausages when was a kid. All straight men do that”, Mark 2013
“One day I met a guy in a p*** store who told me to be careful about AIDS”, Mark 2007.
“I think about c*** and a** all day”, Mark 2009, variants in 2012, and 2013.
“I have finally accepted that I am gay and not bisexual”, Mark 2013.
” I really enjoyed getting fucked by that masseur in Harlem. I didn’t even check to see if he had a condom until he was inside me. It was too late”, Mark 2011.
“I know that it will be almost impossible to find another person I can trust as I can trust you (Sal)”, Mark 2013.
“I want a completely monogamous relation with you. I don’t want to bring anyone else in besides Catherine and you. I know I can trust you (Sal)”, Mark 2013.
“I have to worry about Catherine’s safety. If she can meet a man to take care of her needs that will change”, Mark 2012.