just a heads up, mention of suicidal thoughts and self harm.

I seriously considered suicide a few days ago. I went through a really bad manic episode (bipolar) that lead to my first experience with self harm. I was completely terrified and yet oddly calm when I realized what I was doing, and the cuts are still healing. I’m lucky my pain tolerance is low and blood makes me woozy.

But yeah. It was my first time ever considering suicide as a true option and I was looking through overdoses for prescription medications. I’m already on a seratonin regulator so I was specifically looking into seratonin syndrome.

I’m someone who doesn’t like to take the risk of something not working, so when I took a step back to look through it all, I essentially procrastinated my way to safety. Called a helpline, didn’t get to talking to anyone, and went to sleep.

Since I’m clearly able to write this now, I haven’t killed myself. My manic episode has concluded after a two week duration. It was my longest and most severe. I have reached out and gotten help. Got a referral for a therapist and a psychiatrist, hoping one of the two works out. Called a helpline and actually stuck around to get the resources I need.

The scars from my brief encounter with self harm won’t last, and I’ve been taking me medication much more regularly than before.

In two weeks, my life could have been drastically different. But I survived. I was terrified the entire time because part of me knew this wasn’t completely me. I didn’t have full control.

I’d like to think I do now. So I’m getting help. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m going to get help. I have to get help.