I am just a p************. I’m obsessed with myself and hate myself. I just want to die. But at the same time, I don’t have the gall to do it. I want to shut everybody else out and wallow in my self hatred and self pity all by myself. I always want people to say hello to me, only for me to push them all away because I change my mind almost immediately. I don’t want to better my situation, and I know there are people who are far worse off than I am and still manage to smile and make the best of what they have. I will never get better. I don’t want to get better. I would rather die than face my problems. I hate my friends and my family even though they’ve been nothing but good to me. I won’t talk to anybody because I would rather suffer and I don’t want people to call me out on how selfish I am. I also know that it would be selfish to talk to people and have them worry about me when I know I won’t ever make an effort to get better. Everyday is a cycle. I wake up angry and depressed. Then one of my friends makes me laugh or something and I feel a little better. But I hate feeling better. I don’t want it. I stopped seeing my therapist several months ago. I f****** hate her guts. And for no reason at all other than she doesn’t agree with my pathetic self hatred and self pity cycle, and she tried to keep me accountable for trying to take action to get better. I didn’t have the guts to face my problems and every time I tried to dig it up out of my mind I would start crying and she would tell me it was okay to cry. No it’s not. I don’t want to cry to you c***. I don’t want to be responsible for my emotional state. I don’t even care about how it affects my mom.

The pills are right over there, so why the f*** won’t I take them?