hey. you will probably never read this and i hope to the heavens you never do, because ill be engulfed with embarrassment and probably die xD (kidding)

i love you. it’s painful to admit, and im not sure if it’s the funny brain chemicals making me say this, but i think i do.

that night we spent in the gazeebo was nearly perfect. hah. we didnt even plan it, yet it was the most romantic thing ive probably ever experienced. originally, i was planning to sit alone amongst the stars and the moonlit sky. you caught me sitting all alone and decided to keep me company, sitting on the porch. i casually made a humorous remark, attempting to tease you and we both laughed. one thing led to another, and with the somber yellow lights surrounding us and the cold air against my skin, our conversation got deeper.

in the middle of relaying my insight in our conversation seeping with intellectual pretentiousness, i stumbled on my words, accidentally showing my human vulnerabilities. you laughed at my foible, playfully teasing. Right then and there i wanted to smack your head and playfully exaggerating my anger, say “shUT UP IDIOT LET ME FINISH MY SENTENCE!”

We both laughed at how awkward we were. I couldn’t stop smiling, and i insistedly looked at the moon before us just to avoid looking at those piercing orbs of yours way too often. we both couldn’t help it though, and we’d occasionally have short bursts of eye contact and have our strange anxieties push us back to looking at the moon again.

i felt such a strong tension in the air that night. it was so awkward, and sweet, and charming, yet it terrified me to the core. perhaps it was my own insecurities bubbling up inside of me, but i was scared i’d ruin the night. this was so weird. everything was so weird, i’VE NEVER HAD A NIGHT GO THIS PERFECT BEFORE. and to think, this was unplanned. everything, from the conversational silences, deep soul-searing eye contact, playfully teasing banter, our psyches just clicked. it all just meticulously fell into place, and we both didn’t even intend it.

the night had to end though, and i could feel the end nearing. i noticed how your body positioned and made a teasing jab saying, “are you leaving? cos it seems like you are, your hands are on your backpack.” of course, i never wanted you to leave, but making that remark and acknowledging the situation before you did was a defense mechanism.

you laughed and didn’t move as if to say “you and i both know i’d never want to leave.” your nonchalant reaction calmed down the bubbling cauldron of anxieties in the pit of my stomach, and we both savored each other’s company and the fulfilling conversation we just had.

“the moon sure is beautiful tonight.” i said, making a callback remark to the statement you uttered the moment we walked out together outside the hall, before this whole shenanigan happened.

“you’re right. too bad i have no one to spend it with.” you quickly got up, taking your backpack with you and walked off, without looking back once.

welp. i gulped. that hurt. i…am confused. utterly confused. i don’t know what happened, and i don’t know how to react. m-m-maybe i was overthinking this? maybe i read the context wrong? do you even like me?????i dont know.

we’re still talking though. albeit through messenger, but still. everything seems to have gone back to normal, apart from the fact that we haven’t addressed that night ever since. haha. maybe we’ll just forget it.