Life has not always been easy on my end, where I have failed and suffered but continued onward which I do not regret. I do regret however reaching the point where I do not want to continue anymore, always feeling lonely, and always feeling tired and wanting to go to sleep and never waking up back to reality. I’ve always had a survivalist mentality where I just gotta get through things with the hope that things will get better but now it has been worn down to the brink where I emotionally feel suicidal but mentally repress and actively combating it.
I have been broke, homeless, heartbroken, assaulted, suffered immense losses of loved ones, and made some really dumb choices. Some of the choices I made included dropping out of school, drug use, alcohol abuse, violent outbursts and some criminal activity which has made me feel as if I do not deserve to be here as I was a s***** human being who only harmed others and was a burden to those closest to me by taking them for granted.
At one point in time, I made the decision to turn things around and take responsibility for my actions and my situation as no one truly put me there but only myself. I was driven to redefined my life, despite people being unsupportive or having disdain for me which broke trust and triggered an emotional wall. This emotional wall didn’t matter as I worked hard to get out of the hole I was in, I sobered up, got some help, and went to school to graduate with a Bachelor’s. I figured this was my redemption for all the suffering I caused myself and for others and in the process developed a large sense of empathy and compassion for those going through any and all difficult times.
This is the part where I’m currently at: I realized I’ve done it all alone with no one being truly there for me which s**** obviously and it doesn’t help that I don’t let anyone really in at all simply because was betrayed and hurt too many times, including someone who I felt intimately close with recently. I’m 24 now and not anywhere near being financially independent or being somewhat successful as it seems to be overwhelming game of catch up.
The recent heartbreak is like the needle that is breaking the camel’s back as I met someone who reminded me of myself and the joy I once had on top of loads of similarities in life goals and common interests where it even seemed like fate brought me to her since I just got out of being homeless and she was my neighbor but sadly timing was off. In addition, there was another person vying for her affection of which I was told by her that she was recovering from a previous relationship and was not ready for one at the moment then which she wound up in one with this other person. I tried to be supportive since maybe there was something I was missing that changed her mind and it did hurt but I’d rather not be hateful. However, this guy had a serious problem with me starting s*** trying to drag me in but I wanted her to be happy which is why I put up with it instead of potentially physically harming him. Eventually she confessed to me that this relationship was not to last as she was considered to be placed in an arranged marriage with a man older than me whose family wanted it to happen and was so thankful it was not me, as so was I, on the end of it. I gave her advice to eventually end this relationship before this gets a whole lot worse where they planned to end it in a few months secretly to avoid more s*** in friend groups, where which the guy still had a problem with me. She asked me to move on with my life and to not worry about her, which I chose to leave town as I did not know what else to do, as I realized I was in love with her including her flaws and her bravery and commitment to family, who am I to stand in the way of her family if they mean that much to her? I wanted to be better because of her. A few months have gone by, where we barely spoke and I was just trying to get a job and build something for myself. I eventually heard that she did break it off and somehow broke off the engagement too and is now seeing someone else. I broke down emotionally for a bit but reasoned that I was outside of her life sphere so what could I do but accept it. It still hurts knowing that all the commonalities on top of me questioning my efforts with her were not enough to have me be considered at all. Was it even real love since I have no clue how all this happened particularly.
Quarter life crisis has also hit as I graduated with a Bachelor’s and wanted to be financially independent to live on my terms but not sure how to get there and how to go about it since having trouble making and trusting my decisions now. I wasn’t skilled at anything in particular but am passionate about trying to find my groove and place in the world. Tried a few things that would make good hobbies but not as a career. I’m still working on pursuing this at least.
Overall, I feel completely lost with my heart ripped out and gone into hopelessness mode where I’m tired of fighting these uphill battles and doing it all and feeling alone. It’s hard for anyone to truly understand unless they’ve been through it and its hard for some people to accept me for who I am as soon as they hear my background. I don’t know who to turn to and I just feel like there is no place for someone like me here but I know the pain of losing someone to suicide, where I’m stuck at an impasse here. I can’t exactly afford therapy at the moment too.
I don’t know how long my resilience will last now which gives me anxiety. I’m struggling to fight on and can’t help feeling weak since I’m not sure how to draw more strength. I know there are people out there suffering far worse than I am and my heart does go out to them but it also creates this sense of invalidation of myself as I feel I don’t deserve such support while I’m willing to give to others. Life is hard no matter how you look at it.
I didn’t ask for any of this and somehow my life played out like a bad soap opera of which I am accepting responsibility for but cannot admit defeat since I should be the master of my own destiny. I don’t know why I made this post but maybe at least to have my story be heard as one of the last cards I have left to play.