Alright… I need to vent. I’m not expecting anyone to tune, but there a lot of s*** I’ve gotta get off of my chest for the sake of my own well being. Here we go:
Christmas yesterday and being with family made me realize how little I matter to so many people and how few people I actually mean something to. I get that I’m not meant to be the center of attention always or even ever, but I just feel so unseen. I’m back from school, I got a drastically different haircut, and I’m a person who just wants to be acknowledged and accepted. I wish I didn’t crave others’ approval and attention to feel assured in myself as a woman and functioning member of society. Everyone else got so much attention, and I’m not gonna say I was ignored, but — again — I just feel so *unseen*. Being home with family again makes me realize how much I crave constant validation and that the older I get the less people are willing to give me the time of day when there are cute babies to ooo and aah has over. Being home with my family in general is also just weird because everything is changing. I’m starting to see my parents in a different light now that I’ve had some distance from them and my sister’s dating her friend now and I’m not-so-slowly becoming hyper-aware of all of the responsibilities being thrust upon me as I blossom into an adult and I don’t like it. I’m scared and I know I’m not but I feel so alone. I also have come to realize that I care WAY more about the people in my life than they do about me. Some of my best friends from my childhood are like completely different people now and want nothing to do with me — an unexpected, soul-crushing consequence of “growing up” — and my college friends all, naturally, want to hang out with their family and catch up with their friends for the holidays. I can’t be mad at them for that, but unless I reach out no one is talking to one. I had all of these big hangout plans for this break but nothing has happened so far except cleaning the house and babysitting my mom’s new puppy while she’s at work. Everyone around me is dating someone and doing all of the fun things with their seemingly perfect lives and I’m sitting at home in an old Mickey Mouse t-shirt with a few holes in it pondering if I should eat another piece of Christmas chocolate from my stocking or some chips from the kitchen while I check my different social medias for the eighth time in the past ten minutes — of course, only to be greatest with exactly zero new notifications still. Don’t get me wrong, I have a roof over my head and a stable, healthy family with food in the fridge and the chance to get a college education — I’m not going to sit here and say that life is terrible because I have more blessings than I can count — all I’m saying is that I’m just in a really weird headspace right now and feel like the world is crumbling around me. I know I’m reading into things too much and need to just take a deep breath, but I just can’t help but feel lost and alone as all of things that have always been constants in my life are slowly changing and leaving and it’s a rude awakening that I don’t remember signing up for. I don’t expect advice. I’m not asking for sympathy. I just needed to put this out into the universe so I can unpack and move on with reality. If you’re still reading, I’m impressed and frankly kind of flattered. Have a lovely day and know that I appreciate you that you are more loved than you’ll ever know. Maybe you feel like me right now, but, if you were me, I’d tell you that everything’s gonna be okay and once you get over this hill, great things are ahead ❤️