I have dark fantasies about mutilating/maiming dogs. I try to focus all of those thoughts into my art. So I go on furry websites and post my fucked up drawings there. I live in these fantasies online, but it’s starting to effect my real world. More and more thoughts flood my head. I’m sick, and I want to seek help, but I’m terrified. I feel like I’m suffocating. It has gotten to the point where I’ve even considered suicide as a viable option. I don’t want to hurt animals, but I do at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not even sure at this point. I just wanna understand, why I am like this? I’m just so tired of my sadistic side popping into my mind, every f****** conceivable time I have a chance to think. I’ve tried to numb the pain with weed and alcohol, but to be honest, it just makes my thoughts more prolific. God, I wish to be normal for once. Whenever I try to talk about my zoosadism issues I just get called f****** edgy. I fear if I keep on going without any help I’m going to do something I will regret. My fantasies might even become a reality. I know the phrase “You’re the master of your own destiny.” or whatever, but I feel as if sometimes, that simply just isn’t true. Like an out of body experience. The darkness swallows you up. No escape. No respite. Just s******* driven rage. Hatred, pure hatred. And the most terrifying part is simply not knowing why I’m hardwired this way. I feel guilty, even though I’ve done nothing wrong yet. Everyday I wake up I hate myself more and more. I think I’m going insane. I should probably go to sleep now.
