not so long ago, i had g******** for the first time.
three couples, including my partner and i.
i wanted it so bad. imagined everything so perfectly.
but stress over took me. barely said any words at the meeting. couldn’t get drunk.
i didn’t dare to say no. he seemed so into it.

clothes were off. the action begun.
so confusing. so scary.
so weird and disgusting.

he started with another girl. right next to me.
i started with another guy. right next to him.
and all i could think was how it’s weird and that i don’t feel anything. how i am fully aware of myself, my body, my experience, my skills, everything. i felt so bad. i felt so insecure.

then i was left out. it seemed as eternity, but in reality it was maybe a minute.
i faked i was having a great time. pretending to play with myself, while holding back tears.
the other man came to me. so grateful to him.

it continued for awhile.
and then i stopped. and went away to the bathroom.

i never felt so insecure in my life.
i never felt so alone.