my life is a pain. if i could start over again, I would. From the beginning. I wouldn't meet my wife again, I wouldn't move out, I wouldn't drop out of

13 years

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my life is a pain. if i could start over again, I would. From the beginning. I wouldn’t meet my wife again, I wouldn’t move out, I wouldn’t drop out of college, I wouldn’t lie so much, I wouldn’t meet the girl who ruined me, I wouldn’t go to the high school that I went to, I wouldn’t eat so much food all the goddamn time, I wouldn’t choose sides in family drama, I wouldn’t yell at my mom, I wouldn’t scream at my Dad, I wouldn’t do anything.

Every step I’ve taken in life has been the wrong f****** step. I would go back and tell my parents not to have children. all i’ve done is become a burden for them. my wife doesnt love me like she used to. i’m getting older, grumpier and unhappier by the day to the point that i know one day i will have the courage to kill myself one day, just not tonight.

everything i’ve done has been and will be the wrong move to make. i wish i could just have sleep apnea and just not wake up one day. lord knows i’m fat enough to have sleep apnea. nothing i do is right, nothing i say is worth listening to and worst part of it all is that i’ve put up a shield towards everyone and everything that the minute i tell anyone (including my wife) that i have suicidal tendencies, she’ll flip and redirect the attention back to her (“Why didnt you tell me? am I the bad person because you dont trust me or love me enough to tell these kinds of things to me?”).

truth is, i’m the smartest person i know but nobody listens to me. i let people walk over me because thats how i am. i wish i could just die. my life is painful and every day i am alive is another day that i hate breathing. my wife could just use the life insurance policy my mom has on me and just spend that on a new life for herself. she’s more successful anyways. i dropped out of college 5 times and now its to the point that i cant even get student loans to pay for it.

i hate myself and the day that i die will be the happiest day of my life.

nobody knows the pain i have in me and they never will. its for the best anyways. why make them worry about me? its better off i take this guilt, frustration, pain, heartache and depression with me because if i were to spread it throughout my family, they’d all judge me and say how much of a s***** person i am. i get that enough looking in the mirror, no sense in hearing from my supposed loved ones.

nobody cares, nobody listens. the truth about my life is that nobody knew the real me. i knew the real me and thats why i hate myself. i know how bad of a person i am. i dont even want kids because i know that fucker is going to be just like me. there should only be 1 me, not 2. i dont want to poison the world any longer.

i hope i die tomorrow.

New Confession

Last week my aunty Vivian visited. I love netlike my own mom. How about a bath before lunch? She asked? Sure I said . I’ma 13 yr old girl but aunty does a “special” bath . Sometimes my mommy is in the room and sometimes Billy my step brother. O just close my eyes and enjoy. She fills the hot tub and I get in. Here sweetie. Sit on this soft seat. It only left my Fanny in a little water. She started at my feet. She knew I was ticklish and went slowly teeen each toe. Since my legs were spread open she slipped her soapy hands up my thighs to cup my peepee. Have to per sweetie? No aunty. Back to my feet. I loved her soapy hands on my feet. My peeee got all tingly. I dawmy little t****** n****** getting stiff snd rubbed my palms over my breasts. Your toes marking your. Peepee tingle a little? I’m hummed I said. Take a deep breath and hold it. I did so. Hrrr soapy hands on my slid up my leg, scratched my thigh a little, slid onto my peepee and quickly plunged up into my peepee hole. The hot hard pain speared my brain. Oooooowwweewwe I yelled.i lookkedddoen to see blood in the water. Auntys finger was deep inside my peepee hole. She was moving her finger in and out and out. O more pain. She them washed my t******, my Fanny, and I stood to dry. She held me close and whispered to me. Now your peepee is worth gold seeetie. Lots of gold.

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