when i was younger, as in 11-12 years old, i was in an extremely abusive relationship that lasted about six years. it wasn’t physically abusive, purely because we lived in different states and didn’t get to see each other much, but honestly, i’m not sure what i would call the abuse i experienced. We would facetime all the time and they would make me watch them cut themselves, talk about/attempt suicide, abuse their mother – all while making sure i knew that it was all because of me. To be fair, it absolutely was because of me. we were both fucked up, i was an a****** who liked to play games with our relationship and got high off the idea of torture. Im not sure how much of this has inspired the sadomasochistic b*******/self-destructive tendencies that make up who i am today, but i think it impacted me in a lot more ways than i realize. I forget the r*** and death threats they would make, aswell as the blackmail i’d experience when they’d leak elicit photos of me to my friends because i didn’t follow ‘instructions’ purely because i was completely under their thumb. I didn’t deserve any better, it was my fault for the trauma i experienced. Honestly i’m probably just seeking attention in talking about this story, like its all f****** over now theres no point bringing it all up again.
Now i’m officially an adult, but despite having broken away from that relationship completely and no longer convincing myself that they weren’t that bad, and we were meant for eachother, i can’t love properly. I crave the same abuse, i loved the thrill of being dangerous and being f****** twisted. I hate it and i hate myself for it. I recently went on a date with someone very sweet – a hopeless romantic with one of the most incredible aesthetics i’ve ever seen, and i really really want it to be a thing. They really like me, but thinking about being with someone who i know isn’t as messed up as i am makes me feel like s***. Its almost boring, like i’ll be trapping myself into something by continuing to see this person.
Instead of having a stable relationship, I attract bad people and fantasize about all the destructive energy that would come off of us. Its like i only crave black love or lust or some b*******. I probably don’t deserve to love anyone good being the way i am, eventually i’ll deal with the fact that im too messed up to be in love and end up killing myself. So for now i guess i’m just going to continue avoiding the possibility of a healthy relationship so i can continue flirting with people who are borderline psychopaths and just as suicidal as I am.
I just really wish i could be normal.
