My parents (parent) is an alcoholic, my dad died when I was 4, I constantly get bombarded with shouting, there has not been a single week in the past 2

6 years

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My parents (parent) is an alcoholic, my dad died when I was 4, I constantly get bombarded with shouting, there has not been a single week in the past 2 years where my mother hasn’t shouted at somebody. I’m in a relationship where I dont get nearly as much attention as I give to my partner. I act confident and a lot of people like me and show interest in me, I on the other hand am not interested in any person in the slightest. My grades are s***, I got hooked on cigarettes since I was 14, because of a chick I wanted to f***. I am constantly angry with something, when I dont feel angry I mostly feel empty. The people at my school who fake mental illness make me even angrier and start to cry for attention when I call them out on their b*******. I live in a country with the highest suicide rate in europe. I regularly think about killing my alcoholic mother.

New Confession

After my dad passed away me and my mother took a trip back to Ohio so I could drop her off at her sister’s house.. I got to saint louis missouri and we couldn’t find a hotel to say at so I pull over in a rest area and parked in the back. We both got in the back of the van and fell asleep. I woke up wet so I opened up the back of the van and took all my clothes off. I woke up my mother and she did the same. She laid back down and I got in behind her and I got a hard on. My mother put her hand back behind her and knew I had one. I started playing with her t*** and then her c***. She said I don’t think we should be doing this
I told her that both of us needed this. She rolled over on her back and I got on top of her and she put me inside her. I started off slow and then fast. I could tell she was c******. Then again and then again. That’s when I put myself really deep inside her and came. It felt so good c****** inside her. We talked about it the rest of the way and said that we should do it more when she comes back home. And then she tells me that dad and her knew about the guy up the street making movies with me and his daughter. I didn’t think any one knew about that. There was even times that me and him had s**. I would s*** him off and he did the same to me. Mostly it was me and his daughter having s**. Mom said that her and dad would watch us. They were looking thru holes in the wall and after he was done mom and dad had s** with the wife and him. Mom said that she has all the tapes. I said even the ones that me and him having s**
She said yes and the ones of you and he’s wife. She said that dad help him sell a lot of them to people. Mom said she had copies of all of them. She would show me were they are when she comes home. I played a couple of them and she had all of them. Even ones with mom and dad having s** with them. Mom asked me if I enjoyed being with him. I told her yes I did. It was fun sucking him off and him c****** I’m my mouth. He did c** a lot. They moved away and mom and dad never saw them again.

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today has been an awful day. I won’t go into the full specifics but I feel like a failure for the actions of others and how they harmed me professionally and mentally. It came to a head when an act of kindness from one person nearly became a guilt they would carry. a lady stopped so I could cross the road. she had the right of way and didn’t have to stop. but she did. the person behind her whipped onto the shoulder of the road and around her nearly hitting me. had I walked faster, had i not been watching one persons act of kindness would have been a guilt that weighed on them. The worst part is I am not sure if am upset at the impatience of the person who nearly hit me, or disappointed I didn’t move faster.