Confussion and writting.

It’s difficult to express the feelings I have. It’s difficult sometimes to classify and name the feelings I manifest.

It’s hard to read thought my notes and get the meaning one should get, even for my self. They come from chaos, so they are a chaotic in nature. The dissorder of them is the principle that most caracterizes my ramblings.

Sometimes I can’t generate complete paragraphs, sometimes even complete sentences to express how it is within myself.

————-

Just confusion. Confusion in life.

The core of my self is submerged in chaos.
I feel I am a mess. This mess in my head doesn’t let me think straight.
I feel I am always in the wrong direction, and the the results will be fatal.
I feel that as much as I try hard to beat my sadness, anxiety, hopelessness and depression, it always comes back again. Like a blood thirsty vampire that keeps comming on and on to s*** my vital blood. It keeps me down so much.

I would love to be able to see everything clear once and for all, but my mind is much of the time too confused to thing straight.

————-

Fear. Anxiety.

I feel in constant threat. I feel very afraid. As if danger is always near. As my fate is already set, and it is black and sorrow. I feel hopeless again, futile.

The uneasyness that I feel deep into me, within me… It’s anxiety at it’s worst.

————-

Fantasies, dreams and pushy mental imagery.

I would like my life to be something people look up to, not the s***, as I understand, many people believe me to be. I am not a s***, but I feel like one because people think that of me. I feel fucked up. Cut down from society, lost, rejected, dissaproved… A ridiculous p************.

Many times I imagine my self doing something awesome, like singing great or playing the guitar supperb in front of people. I especulate that reflect a deep desire within myself to be recognized, approved and accepted. A state of affair that will, in my mind, rid me of the constant threat and damage other people negative opinion make on me.

I hate so many people. I have an anger, an anger that gets to me frequengly. An anger that makes me dream/fantasize of striking people dead, of destroying hole cities with my bare fits. As if I hated this world so mush I would like it to have an end. Not something I would do, but I would really want to at least send forever away of my life the people that cause me so much trouble. Or at least, change them forever.

—-

Weakness.

I think/feel that I need to hide my self. I hide myself. I constantly feel like hiding myself. I constantly feel the need to hide myself. I feel vulnerable, a target, a blank, an easy pray of the dangerouse people of this world, which are so many.

I feel I will be a pray, an easy one. A pray of mockery, redicule, humiliation, contempt, condemnation, criticism, and even phisical attacks. I feel weak, insecure, hopeless, vulnerable, open to danger, easy target of attack, not knowledgeable enough, not smart enough, not intelligent enough, not witty enough…

I feel a weak and dumb pray of the strong and saavy people, limited by the burdening confusion so many times I get, and by the

—-

Anger. Hate.

I feel this deep anger heating things from the inside within me, making me blow steam off my ears. I feel a rage I can not contain. I feel I rage that makes me want to yell as hight I could yell, but I can not do it. I am not free to do it. I live in the city, and so I can not yell because of f****** civilization rules. But to yell is what feels great to do. A relief.
I want to do it.

I hate those that discriminate without making an effort of understanding to the critiziced or discriminated.