The world has crash upon me again, so much pressure to do everything right and better than everyone else. Let’s start at the beginning, all my life my dreams seemed to all be shot down, all by my own parents. You can’t do that, that won’t get you any money, etc. This has made me afraid to choose how to live my life. So here I am a 19 year old college student majoring in accounting because it was on the list of approved jobs that my parents made. I am a student full time and I work full time, it takes an hour to drive to work/school and another hour to drive home, so I have NO TIME to relax and catch my breath. I had been soooo depressed and worried about everything, I have no one to talk to. I still live with my parents for free living. If I see a psychologist my parents would question why I am not home, or if they found out they would start asking questions and put me down for it. I am just so done with this life and the only options that I can think of are mostly suicide or driving far far away and start a new life, maybe get a new name. I would be fine with leaving my family, but I have a boyfriend that I have been slowly getting to know for 2 years, we’re perfect for each other, the only thing about him that I don’t like is his to live out his life in this small town. I want to to be far away from here. I know suicide isn’t the answer, I’ve lost two friends who were amazing people that life was just not good to them at the time. I just feel like standing on the edge of a building and slowly lean forward, allowing all my problems to be blown right off of me. The last time I went through a depression state was before my friend Kara took her life at 15 years old. I turned to God for answers. He helped. My family moved a year later because of a job transfer to a different state, so new school and new friends, when I started noticing the signs in Kristen I tried to get her to turn to God, she said to me “Where is God when I am in need of help? When I need a shield or a sword?” I had no answer for that, so I tried to get her to see the good things in her life, but not many days after she hung herself on the swing set in her backyard, this was a month before graduation. I just could never figure out why (if there is a God) God would allow such bad things happen to good people. Each day I get closer to the feeling that I need to just end it. As I drive home I just want to ram my car into something, but I’m too afraid too. I love my boyfriend, but I don’t know how he would feel of I bothered him with this part of my life. I just don’t know.
