I act so carefree and happy, all the time. Nobody knows it’s an act. Inside, I feel so alone. I don’t want to bother anyone with my depression, and I feel like no one would believe, would listen. I don’t know if it’s a medical depression or what.. I have no reason to be sad. But even with all I have, what’s keeping me alive? I joke about how much I love my sleep, but I never want to get up for different reasons than simple exhaustion. It’s the fact that yes, I am tired, but not just to go to school and live my day, it’s to live. I feel like life takes too much effort lately and since I don’t really do anything, why am I still here? I also feel like a wimp. Other people have genuine problems, like broken homes or a bullied childhood. But then I’m over here, suicidal for no other reason than laziness. I feel like I’m whining, even though probably no one will read this. Why do I think I have any reason to feel this way?
People think they know me. No one does. Ha, my dog knows me better then all of you. I only let others see my mask. If people knew how I cry myself to sleep, how I would cut it I weren’t afraid of being caught…
My mom is the reason I’m alive. I am too worried about how devastated she would be to find out that I am depressed enough to consider suicide. If she knew that I cry my heart out every night, that I record videos every night saying goodbye than delete them.
I once wrote a suicide note. I was going to kill myself that night. My mom called me downstairs just a few minutes before I was going to do it, and as I was going back to my room, she told me she loves me. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have the memories I do, the experiences. Thank you mom, you are amazing. I know you doubt yourself and think you’re doing a bad job because of the divorce, you are wrong. You are perfect, you have done exactly what I needed when I needed it. I remember you holding me as I cried when I was younger and my “friends” would make fun of me. I love you mom, forever.