Just have to get this out somewhere.

I’m struggling.

I feel like I shouldn’t be, I’m luckier than the majority of people in this world. I live in a first world country, I have a job, a girlfriend, supportive and loving parents, and a roof over my head.

I’m just not happy. I feel like everything in my life is just hard. My parents are getting old, and won’t commit to move out of their small country town. My dad thinks his memory is going and it breaks my heart to think of him stuck there wasting away. My mom has the best intentions but just avoids difficult subjects and I think she worries about dad too.

I’ve been with my girlfriend 10 years, but there’s been issues that don’t seem to have changed over time like I’d hoped. She’ll just shut me out, she’ll be upset or angry but just say ‘it’s fine’, or ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ and just go to bed so I’m left thinking worst case scenarios and riddled with anxiety. Two weeks ago she was angry and said when she’s like that she just needs space. This week when she’s angry I give her space, and she gets angry because ‘I obviously don’t care’ because I just went to my music room. It seems like anything I do makes it worse, whether I’m being supportive, dismissive, encouraging, any answer I give just makes her angry. She gets stressed a lot, and I know she loves me, but it’s hard when it feels like every day she’s in a bad mood and snapping at me and it’s my job to cheer her up, I’m struggling myself and I’m burning out worrying about her all the time.

I’ve been getting sick a lot over the last two years. Doctors don’t know what it is, I’ve done dozens of tests and trial medications. I’m doing everything I can, I excersise, eat healthy, get a good amount of sleep, but once or twice a month I’ll get awful pains in my stomach and abdomin. No allergies or intolerances, doesn’t seem to be tied to my diet. It just gets me run down and feeling worse, and worrying there might be something serious.

It’s affecting my work too, the time off when I’m sick is unpaid, but I’m paying more for medical stuff, and work is starting to pressure me about my absences even though they’re all doctor certified. This just stresses me out even more.

I’m living pay to pay, every time I start saving and getting ahead something comes up and cleans me out. A lot of the time I’m basically completely broke by the time my next pay comes through. My girlfriend (who earns a fair bit more than me) will go and drop money on something with out talking to me about it, then turn around and say I’m not contributing enough.

I work in an office doing 9-5 in a support area of a call centre. I hate it. I’m stuck at a desk all day, dealing with problems caused by other people that just don’t do their job right. I’ve tried looking for other careers, I’ve got year 12 graduation with great marks and great working references, but I either can’t find a job I want to do or get rejected from those I apply to.

It seems like everything in my life is a little bit broken. The zip on my jacket, something wrong with the car, my health, my finances, my family, my relationship, nothing is just a solid ‘good’.

I’ve never been suicidal, I couldn’t do that to the people I care about, but I’m just so tired. I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, it all just seems so hard. I just don’t want every day to have to be a battle. I want to look forward to my tomorrows.

I try to keep positive and moving forward.

Today I locked myself in the bathroom at work and just cried. Not because I was sad as such, but I’m just exhausted and don’t know what to do, I keep telling myself it’ll get better but each day it just seems to get a little bit worse.

I’m not reading comments or looking for replies. I’ll probably never come back here. I don’t want to talk about it.

I just want to be happy.

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