I hate myself and I want to cause pain to myself. But I dont want the people around me to feel hurt. I havent told anyone where i stand in my own head. But they always think they know and if I even hint at feeling this way, they take the pain personally or make it as though its only about them. Im just as complex a person as they are. I dont need anyone else to tell me how I feel. I’ve broken down a few times and told some the current feelings at the time. they would say I didnt mean it, or they would pull examples to the contrary. Of course they interpret me as being nonsensical, I’ve faked it so long. But I’m tired and I’m having trouble keeping it in. Yesterday was my birthday and its going to be very hard to make sure its not my last. Not because I want to live. I just dont want them to feel hurt.