I became insatiably addicted to m*********** when I was 15. It was extremely helpless and shameful, and I was miserable trapped in that endless cycle. Guilt, trying to abstain, breaking down and binging again, an endless cycle of abandonment to pleasure or feeling utterly perverted and filthy, because of the settings and methods I was using to m*********. By the time I was 17, I was trying to find the courage to damage or castrate myself, but between the addiction to pleasure, and knowing that I would end up in the emergency room having to explain it, I was never able to take that final step no matter how close I was with a knife or crushing them while still attached. I am in a healthy relationship and no longer m*********, but the temptations are always there. To this day I wish I could have the courage to castrate myself and amputate my p**** as well. I would be so content and finally have peace from the urges. I have even been having a recurring dream of my partner restraining me and at a minimum crush them permanently, and the dream occassionally involves amputating my g******* entirely. The dream sometimew takes an even odder turn, in which after everything is cut off, I remain restrained while my removed g******* are sliced up, prepared as a meal as if any other meat dish, and I am fed my own g*******.