This is the Story of my Failing Love Life

Thursday afternoon, April 5th, 2012 I can recall myself laying upside down on my bed texting a boy named Tyler. Every since two years ago, I’ve been lying to all my friends and my mom about losing my virginity. Which, in this story, plays a big roll. I would tell guys about it, and they’d automatically be interested in me, and it made me feel less insecure about myself. I’m naturally a very insecure person; I’ve never been skinny and outgoing like most attractive girls. I dated three guys before Tyler came along. He was my lucky number four. All the other guys asked me out for all the very same reasons which was just one: s**. Not that I’d even actually give it to them. But, Tyler didn’t ask me out for that, I felt like he actually liked me.
I also need to give you some background information before I continue, the year before, I was talking to a boy named Austin, who made me feel so alive, and I fell head over heels for him. Wrong thing to do, but I did. I would constantly talk to him, but every time I asked him out, he would refuse. So on November 30th, we had a huge argument over him not loving me. That was the first night I was seduced into the terrible habits of self harm. I later became emotionally depressed, and stopped doing anything, really. After that night, we stopped talking. This has a major part in this story too, I promise.
Anyhow, I really liked this guy named Tyler. That night he was texting me, he asked me out. I will admit it was a bit bazaar, but I immediately agreed. After all, the first time I saw him was a picture my friend took and he had stickers all over his face. I legitimately thought he was very handsome, in fact, one of the cutest boys I’d ever met. We also had almost every class together and talked frequently over social media websites. It was just a shocking experience because I never expected him to like me.
We made an arrangement to kiss by my locker after school, and so we did. It wasn’t aggressive or slippery like most first kisses, but it was kind of nice. Though, we were a bit embarrassed because our mutual friends were cheering us on.
After that we dated for a month until all hell broke loose. Now, looking back the whole argument was stupid. Tyler had asked me if I would let him e***** a senior to her prom. I was furious because we’re much younger than seniors, and she could have probably gotten anyone else to go with her. But what made us break up that night is he asked permission to kiss her, and I was not about to let him play me like a fiddle. I dropped him like a hot plate, and was done with it a few tears later that night. Stupid right? It gets stupider in my part as we continue.
The next week at school I would play hard to get. Like he was completely invisible, but I was secretly desperate for him to talk to me. After he didn’t talk to me for two days, my friend convinced me that he’s already over it, and that I should be too. She also said that we should attend the dance later that night to get my mind off of it, so I agreed. A little after I was putting clothes on before the dance, Tyler texted me. My heart started pounding faster, and butterflies danced in my stomach. He asked if I was going to the dance, and asked to hang out. Me, being young and naive like I was, agreed. Of course I’m sure you all saw it coming, I know I did, he asked me out again. So, I decided to give it another shot, which went totally against my “If it didn’t work out once, it won’t work out again” rule. Then, after dating another week, Tyler’s ex girlfriend started rumors about me, one of my friends was friends with her so she was like my mole. I usually would just laugh at the mean things she said because I knew deep down she just had a case of the green eyed monster.
The next few months things went swell with Tyler. I really did love him, or so I thought, but even now he still gives me butterflies. I couldn’t find any flaws in him, and I told him everyday how much I loved him and he’d do the same. We were, I suppose, just h**** teenagers who think they’re in love, but aren’t we all in all honesty. I remember writing down 100 reasons why I loved him, and it took up three sheets of notebook paper, and I gave it to him. The first time I met his mom was a bit awkward. Tyler and one of his pals came to the mall because I told him I was having a GNO with two friends and it would be nice to see him over spring break. When he arrived my friends and me just got out of the movie theater after watching Titanic 3D. I ran up to him ignoring his friend and who I thought was his friends mom, swung my arms around his neck, and kissed him for a long while. After he told me the lady next to his friend was his mom I could feel my face get red and hot. What a nice first impression…
The first time going to his house was an adult party of the sort, and Tyler and me just made out on his bed until his mom’s friend’s son arrived, who ironically we both knew pretty well and is a popular jock. We stopped kissing and all watched a movie instead. Then the first time he came to my house was a little clichéd because it was another adult party just a little more ghetto. After the party, I was starving so we went to the kitchen and I started eating so fruit off a leftover food tray. We were talking about food, and he told me he had never eaten pineapple. So, as he was sitting down in a chair, I carried pineapple on a fork to him, and sat on his lap facing him and tried to feed it to him. Then we kissed and so forth.. Then, I think you guys will get a kick out of this, our first date consisted of go karts, arcade games, pizza, and making out in the games with the curtains.
I know this is getting a little off topic; I’m just trying to give the full effect of this story. I know the majority of you have probably stopped reading this, but I really need this to cleanse my mind; whether you read it or not. I’d really love for you to comment at the end. And my apologies for this being so incredibly long. So without further a due, I shall continue.
I guess you could say life was pretty good. I’ve always been a Christian, and Tyler and I would attend church together every chance we got. Then one day after church my brother through a tantrum, because he has behavioral problems, and he’s quite the a**. Tyler’s dad called at the wrong time, and prohibited Tyler from coming over while my brother was around. And please don’t judge me, yes I’m a Christian, but I’m not perfect, clearly. I still have fleshly desires, bad habits and what not.
Meanwhile, about three months into the relationship, that boy I mentioned that was one of the causes of my self harm, Austin, called me after a year of no contact whatsoever while I was in the Taco Bell drive through. Instinctively, when someone hurts you, you don’t want to be around them. So I ranted, and hung up very relieved and proud of myself. Austin would continuously call me, so one day I eventually gave in. I would always tell Tyler everything to make sure he didn’t think something of it. Then, Austin would randomly start to become flirtatious aware of the fact I had a boyfriend. I wouldn’t pay much attention, but I really enjoyed his flattery. Go ahead and hate me, but the worse has yet to come. I failed to mention that Austin’s cousin was one of my best friends of the time, and that they live beside each other, and that friend of mine was dating my brother, the one that’s an a**.
I tried many times to get Tyler and Austin to be friends, but they both refused. Austin hated Tyler because we were dating and he grew fond of me, and vice versa except Tyler hated him because I would talk to him a lot. It was all a big jealousy thing. The day before the annual Block Party my small town throws, I was invited to my friend’s house who is Austin’s cousin. Austin was hanging out with us, but the whole time I was texting Tyler. Austin played it off cool at first, sitting there smoking a cigarette periodically. My friend (who I will start calling Miley to hide her identity, not that I matters) and I drug out a mattress from her room and lied it on the den’s floor for me to sleep on, so Austin can have the couch and she can have the loveseat. After Miley fell asleep, Austin invited me outside for a smoke, where we talked about all the little things, and the past between us. ..Then, he started asking serious questions like why I didn’t love him. I told him he didn’t love me from day one, and who was he to ask me to be with him! It brought back so many memories and emotions, and from then on out I started hating myself again, because somewhere deep down I still wanted to be with him. After having a whole blow out I began to walk back inside through the living room, but he came in after me grabbed my arm, pulled me to him and pressed me up against a wall next to a wooden clock. I pushed him back, but he only got closer and he put his face about an inch from mine. I felt a rush of feelings, wondering if he’d kiss me, and how long I’d been waiting. But before he could a flash of Tyler’s face crossed my mind and I turned my face away, and said don’t. And he didn’t though I secretly wished deep down he did. The rest of the night we watched MTV and he would try to touch me and get close and I ended up biting him because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I suppose he had mistaken it as Love Bites, so he bit my neck a few times. I just tried to shake it off. I couldn’t do anything more, and went to bed. The following morning I told Tyler about it.
For awhile I was upset with Austin because he kissed me without my consent or Tyler’s upon his arrival at my house to hang out with my a** of a brother. Tyler and Austin were both threatening to beat each other up.
There was one night I really regret. The first time I did a certain s***** favor for Tyler, and later the same night while I was still over at his house, his friend (to hide identity) Mik came over, and they played basketball shirtless. Two girls (also to hide identity) were Tyler’s neighbors Hailey and Ellena were walking up and down the street for only God knows what, maybe they were trying to get Mik’s attention. If that’s what they were going for, they got it. We all walked down to Ellena’s house. I really dislike both girls, and they both were in the same school and grade as me. I sat on the curb as Mik flirted away. Eventually Ellena and Mik started dating, it lasted about two weeks. Anyway, Tyler was trying to show off by playing chicken in the middle of the road at night laying down, there was an incoming car so I tried to pull him out of the way and he told me to go away, and then left me to sit on the curb by myself. My mom came to pick me up, and I came home to Austin with my brother, and Miley. I went to the back porch to cry, and Austin followed me out. He lit another cigarette and said, that he’d heard I was with Tyler, and was my shoulder to cry on. I told him about the s***** gesture and everything. Embarrassed but relaxed, We were friends again. Tyler texted me later apologizing and everything. Then the unthinkable happened when Austin stole my phone and ran around in the backyard, I gave up and lied in the grass. Then, he slowly got on top of me and started kissing me. I felt weird about it. I shoved and pushed him, and then hit him in the groin. I went back inside and went to sleep only to find him in my bed the next morning telling him to gtfo.
After awhile, Tyler and me were okay again it seemed and Austin and I were the complete opposite. After a long day Tyler asked me if we could take a break. My stomach knotted up as I yelled no to the top of my lungs into the receiver. Streams rolled down my eyes, and we agreed to not take a break, but I still knew he wanted to. The thought of it made me want to puke. Recently, Tyler started going to a good church and became best friends with (to hide identity) Joey. Joey was known for being a man w****, and the worst part is Tyler looked up to him. So I automatically assumed he had part in it, even though he probably didn’t. Conveniently, Austin was over at the time. We started making out, and I also assumed since he wanted a break I’d take one too. Things went really fast. And another s***** encounter was formed. I didn’t enjoy it at all this time though. The whole thing was a guilt trip.
Somehow, through the whole mess I broke up with Tyler because Austin was crying, and threatening to kill himself if he couldn’t have me. It pissed me off so bad, but I couldn’t do it I loved Tyler too much to throw it all away. Thus leaving Austin heartbroken and not talking to me, just like he did to me the year before. I’m not one for revenge, but karma is real. He didn’t actually commit suicide, he just got pissy, stopped hanging out with my brother and me, and found other girls to talk to. Classic Austin, to be honest. Joey came to the rescue and saved Tyler and my relationship. Which was sweet, but he was also very critical to me. He told me Tyler was really torn up over it. In all reality, I was too. So together we were again.
Tired of this rollercoaster yet? How would you like to be me. It get’s better, right? Wrong. From there it was a downwards spiral. After half a year of dating, Tyler finally broke it off with me officially at the starting of school. He didn’t give me a reason, at all. Classic Tyler, lost and clueless, doesn’t know what he wants. I could take a thousand guesses why, but it wouldn’t matter. But that day he dumped me, a little bit of my soul died. Nothing was ever fun anymore, I can recall excusing myself from class at least 14 times just to have a mental breakdown. He moved away from my lunch table, dated other girls, ignored my existence, and even our mutual friends had to pick sides. Mik, of course picked him, every time he saw me he looked completely disgusted. They’d all look at me as if I were diseased.
Tyler being Classic Tyler, texted me randomly and we’d hook up like we were friends with benefits. I hated it. I despised it. He’ lead me on, and tell me to forget about it the next day. I was his b*********. I started self harm regularly then. One day, he saw it at school and confronted me about it. He actually made me think he cared. Shout out to Tyler if you ever come across this, which you won’t. Thanks for everything. I close friend of mine (to hide identity) Suzanne, jokingly asked if I cut because I always wore long sleeves, and I said no because everyone was staring. She tried to lift it up, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t let her. So, everyone grew suspicious.
More from my a** of a brother, Tyler made a sly comment about how Miley’s chubby, and my bro took it as him checking her out. I didn’t and currently don’t have contact with her anymore, every since she started dating my bro. The a** decided he was going to shoot him. Yes, yes, attempted murder, but no, threatening by ex boyfriend/ lover. Oh, and while Tyler and I were still dating. My friend was gossiping about Miley, and he started yelling at us and he hit me, and I had to go to the hospital.
So, that was fun…..
I remember giving Ty his stuff back, earrings he bought me for my birthday, a picture of him, his bracelet, and a note he wrote me. Do you remember the note I wrote him? Well one day, he texted me asking if it was true. I asked what and he said, that you’d never love anyone else, I replied, I don’t know. That statement was number 100.
March 12, 2013. This is more recent. I went over to his house for the casual hook up, but then it was getting really, really intense. He had my pants down, and his down, and we were so close to having s**. His and my first time individually and together, technically. I freaked out. I couldn’t do it. I asked him why we do this to ourselves. He replied I don’t know. I then asked if we’d ever be together again, and his reply was It’s possible. I told him I wanted it to be probable, and as much as I wanted to have s** with him I don’t want to risk my future. I had no birth control or condoms. But that wasn’t the main reason. I wanted him to love me, and I truly gave him everything, it just wasn’t enough.. We both agreed not to do it. There I stood in front of him looking pathetic with tears staining my cheeks. He asked for a hug, and I told him it’s not the same. But we ended the night hugging it out, and him telling me if I ever needed anything he was there for me.
I believed him, but as soon as I got home he texted me saying that we don’t tell a soul about that night, and that it never happened and to text me when I get my period.
So, here I am, breaking my promise to keep it a secret, telling my story to complete strangers. Well, he didn’t exactly keep his promise either, he promised he’d be there for me. But he isn’t.
I texted him about my period and that was the end of it. After a while later, I actually was diagnosed to not be able to conceive a child. I didn’t tell him that just my family, but whatever. It’s funny since the day Tyler and me started dating I had dreams where I was a mom. But no.
So, that about sums up my love life. Neither of them have talked to me every since. I suppose they think I’m a frigid b****. But, I don’t care anymore. I lost half my friends, cried my eyes out constantly, I live a lie, and I want to die.

Please, leave a comment. Tell me if I’m a terrible person or not. I appreciate your time, if you read this all the way, I know it’s not exactly entertaining.