Idk how to classify this.
I’m confused. I’ve practiced self control so much that I can no longer “let go” I see people acting silly and outrageous and I want to be that Person. I want to be able to lose control even just a little. I cant ever seem to get there though. Even when I’m drunk I never lose my proper composure.
Always smile. always be polite. never speak out of turn. Mind your manners. Apologize for every f****** thing. I don’t want to be this person anymore….but I can’t relinquish control even for a momemt. I can’t be one of those “let’s see what happens if I ” people.
I’m not saying having everything planned out and being a nice person ia a bad thing I’m just saying I knows there is more to me then just being the dependable one the she will take care of it person. I wanna let lose but I’ve had it beat into me since childhood to never do anything that could be embarrassing for me or my family. If you think you’ll look stupid dont even try it. If I could id just let someone else take control of my life just so I could be free of it.
Idk who I am because ive always tried so hard to be who “they” wanted me to be. Ive missed so much and skipped so much just so I didn’t shame any one.
But f*** !! I want to feel shame . I want to be embarrassed and silly and loud. I want to be free