I put ‘other’ because I’m not sure if ‘a fantasy’ really fits. I think I would just put a fear and this isn’t much of a confession but more of relieving stress.
Anyways! I’m scared of the future, not like if I’m scared of not getting a job or a stable living but actual survival. Yeah, I know that sounds dramatic but hey my excuse is that I’m a worrier.
My friends make me worry. My family’s expectations make me worry. Hell, getting in the car gets me worried.
Grade 11 Biology made me worry, not about animals on the brink of extinction or about how children can’t get fresh water but just myself. Selfish I know, but it’s what my teacher says about how we’re eating the planet to the point where the next gen wont make it that got me. Her words only really sank in when I was reading my favourite book, it felt somewhat pointless knowing that things will go t*** up one day.
I actually did what humans always do and tried to distract myself, music and little cartoons but the feeling stuck. Then I moved to reassurance, taking in my parents voices and calming down.
I actually began to cry. And I’m starting to cry again.
I think that’s what brought me here. First I merely found religious sites which made sense, ‘confession’ and all. Surprisingly this is helping, a few tears here and there but not gross sobbing, yay!
My body feels unusually tense right now, my legs get rigid and I begin to shiver but I don’t feel cold. It’s probably a knee-jerk reaction, I don’t like it…
I’m still scared. I wanna live and I hate how everywhere I look there’s no screams but just whispers that my hopes will die out like me. Again dramatic but anxiety is a b**** and it’s why I’m here.
Thank you for reading, whoever you are. I hope I didn’t ruin your day (for a silver lining: the pina colada song just came on, part of a Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack…)
But, yeah. I think I’m going to keep using this site, it’s calming. A good distraction per say. Goodbye.
– Red