16 years
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the doctor asked what i do to get over my frequent suicidal thoughts..
usually i dive right in.. i imagine very graphically my scenario of the moment, i change it every time. imagining my death in detail somehow makes me feel a bit better. release. like waking up from a nightmare. until next time. this time i sat fetus style in my lazy boy. slit a scalpel deep across my wrists. which almost did not hurt. just a sting. the chair got soaked and the floor surrounding. a few days later the cats got very hungry, cause i’m a cruel creature, even though i love them as my own, i left them in need. when there is none of my flesh left the loving brothers will fight each other for a final meal. the ‘winner’, in deep trauma of having just witnessed his whole family disappear, will soon starve to death. i should leave them out too feed themselves but it’s so cold. so maybe open a window so they can get in. then, in a few more days someone who cares will drive a day to get here to see if everything is ok. their lives will change forever.
that’s about it. no i don’t feel much better.

New Confession

So, one time I told my mom that I wanna buy a lollipop, I was 17 that time. My step brother then asked if he could come my mom and I agreed. Me and my step brother let’s just call him Daniel. Daniel the both of went out to buy. We bought a few things lollies and he said he wanted a beer, so I bought one for him. But on the way home walking he asked saying “I have a lollipop why would you buy one?” I looked confused. But I just said I like the strawberry flavored more. he then asked if we could go somewhere for awhile, I agreed cuz’ why not, The house is boring anyway. We went to this secluded area it’s dim but not to dark. No person is walking at that time because it’s night a bit late. We sat down on the bench right beside each other. around probably 5 minutes passed, he took my hand and hovered at top of his “DIH’ it was hard, very hard. my hand is not inside yet. He spoke “you make me this hard everyday.” mind you he was 22 at that time. I sat down still, I didn’t move one bit and just let him do what he wants to. then, he puts my hand inside and helped me stroke his “Dih” I stroked it, he started moaning softly minutes passed like that, he spoke after “Can you s*** for me?” I nodded, because what can I do? I sucked his dih and he exploded on my mouth. I thought it was done and he told me to swallow so I did. after that we didn’t tell mom nor dad it’s our little secret. that was 6 months ago, and now we both sometimes do it when we are alone.

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