im not sure if this is the right place to post this but i have no one to turn to about this and for a very good f****** reason. sorry if your offended by cursing but this post will most likely be full off everything but racial slurs. i wasnt sure what category to put this in or even if this site is safe for what im about to confess but i need to f****** get this wait off my chest some how. notepad just dosent do the trick. welp here gose nothing… i want to kill people. not like “ARGH I F****** HATE YOU B**** ILL F****** CUT YOUR THROUGHT FOR KILLING ME IN THIS GAME!!” i mean i just want to g******* kill something. iv always found some sort of satisfaction from scaring people and harming animals and i have no idea why. im actually against animal cruelty. i think it started when i was young. me and my cuosin would always go into my grandmas back yard when we were young to find baby birds. we would do this around the ages 3-5. we would throw pine cones at them so they would stop running even though we were faster than them. i guess we just worried that at the last minute they would be like sonic and be like “HAHA LATTER A** HOLES!”. i lurned that the harder i threw them the easyer it would be to catch them. i didnt know anything about animals and pain back then so i guess it wasnt really my fault. normally we would take care of them after we caught them. we had a play set and we would sometimes climb to the top and throw them off the edge to teach them to fly. we would do this when we were…. done playing with them. we wernt stupid about it though. one of use would be at the other to catch it in case it didnt fly right away. once though we had threw one and my cuosin didnt catch it… cuase it was gone. we didnt find it after. im getting side traced though. one day we caught another bird and my cuosin wasnt there. he went to the bathroom i think. i was holding it and i thought… “i wonder what happens if i squeeze this little bird?” so… logicly… i f****** squeezed it… oh god just thinking of this again makes me feel so strange….. at first it was light.. and it squeaked… the rection from it was funny to me… and i lurned the harder i squeezed it the louder it squeaked… and the funnier and pleasing it was…. until it bleed from its mouth…. i was surprised… i didnt know what to do… so i threw it into a old well we had…. i told my cousin when he got back that it ran away. the feelings from just telling this are making me smile like a f****** lunitic and i een f****** chuckled…… now back to the topic of scaring others. i there was a place with lots of kids i didnt know i would make as many of them scared of me. there fear was f****** amazing… just the looks on there faces as they ran terrified… they f****** feared me… and if someone didnt then then my tactics would only grow until they feared me to.. which made all the rest traumatized…heh… it was so great….. words cant even explain what i f****** felt. i have harmed others out of anger beofr but i have yet to do it out of fun mainly due to me worrying about what other people may think of me and the fact that i can be thrown into a asylum now. its f****** tire sum. i cant wait until i dont have to worry about that anymore but im also afraid of it as well. even though i want to kill someone so f****** g******* f****** bad i dont want to. i dont want to be feared but i want to still. i dont want to be alone but i want everyone to F****** FEAR ME! im afraid of what will happen if i kill someone and if it will be the last person. and worst im afraid if ill kill me family. iv had random thoughts of just killing my family with random objects even in
f****** public. i even got so far as to pick up a knife. i immediately droped it and coiled back. my family thinks that im afraid of knifes and while i am infact afraid of someone hurting me with one. and afraid of hurting myself with it while cooking. my family will f****** joke and say “lol they dont trust them selves with a knife” ill think “i dont” but for the reason that i think of killing them. when im alone and its comepletly silent or if im up at night i think about them all dead in a pool of blood and me in the middle. when i think of this i chuckle and cry at the same time. long ago my family was given the option to put me into a asylum and they chose not to… and i think… THEY MADE A VERY BAD CHOICE DOING SO. they should have let them take me. even though im afraid of being taken from them now i would have been younger and
maybe it wouldnt be as bad but now if they do it ill go insane if i havent already. i take medication but it isnt for this problem. no one knows my actual colors. until know. but none of you know who i am. and itll stay that way. i even made this in incognito mode so it cant be traced in my history. theres no way im going to talk to a doctor about this. theyl take me away. im not going to tell my family about this. theyl have someone take me away. i wont tell my freinds. theyl just fear me like everyone else did. my meds i take dont even work for what ther supposed to do which is make me focuse. theyve slowly started to wear off and iv become immune. all they do is make me starve myself to the point of me feeling extreme pain. and dont get me started with the burning. if i dont eat right away after i take them then theyl make my whole chest feel like its on fire. they burn and burn and burn and make me want to throw up until theres not even acid left in my stomic. sence im given the pills in the morning in my bed i almost always fall back asleep and its to late. so normally every morning starts with pain. pain pain pain. i just cant take it. im always asked if im ok and i say “im fine” as i hold my stomic and wince at the pain. my doctor asks if the pills work and instead of just saying they dont i say they do. i just cant take it and it seams my urges have inly gotten worse. i dont know what to f****** do. im afraid that i might hurt my family… maybe even when i hurt my family… and of course…. im a little excited…. i just dont know what to do anymore. IM F****** INSANE