When I was a kid, I was molested by my cousins, and I’ve only ever told less than a hand full of people outside of my immediate family. I got out of an abusive relationship that lasted seven years last November, which started in middle school. I had a miscarriage three years ago while I was still in high school, and I’ve lost a lot of family that I cared for. I’ve dealt with unstable moods ever since hitting puberty, but I was someone to try and hide how they felt. I can’t help it. I used to have someone I trusted and I told everything, but I moved and now we never talk. I’m incredibly anxious with people, and I hate being touched by strangers. I don’t have any friends, I haven’t hung out with anyone since Jan. and the majority of the people I end up talking to, I don’t trust. I’ve tried to open up to others about how I feel, but it never comes out right and I just end up degraded. I’m afraid of being labelled as something because I can’t deal with what people go through every day. I think about ending everything on a daily basis, and these thoughts usually come on their own, but they can be brought upon by things. I’ve only ever told my mother about a few things that I feel, and she really thinks I should go to a therapist, but I don’t have the money and the closest free clinic is almost two hours out from where I live. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone I associate with because I can’t communicate well without lying about myself. A lot of people know that I’m introverted, I don’t talk much, but I never let them see where I am if I can help it. I’ve always been someone people felt like they could vent to, so I know I’m not the only one. I feel like another one of the many who lie about the severity their mental state, and another wasted potential. I pretend to be happier, but a lot of the times I can’t feel anything anymore. I don’t plan on giving in to these weights yet after all these years, but I know I might in the near future. I don’t know how much longer I can last. Still, I guess it is my fault. I’m afraid people will think I’m just looking for attention if I start venting to everyone. I know I’m weak if I can’t deal with these little things. I know I could see a therapist if I saved the money to, but I would also have to find the time and the courage. This is kind of stupid. I know It doesn’t take a lot of bravery to be honest about things on an anonymous confession site. I’m just tired of lying.
