I have been afraid of intimacy since I can remember. Im not sure exactly where it came from, but I have my theories.

My parents. They were never the hug and feelings type so I wasn’t either. My father shamed and condemned feelings in general. He said that emotions where for the weak minded and I believed him. He reprimanded my mom for being too emotional. So now, I feel weak and ashamed every time I cry or talk about my feelings. I don’t feel like showing affection such as hugging and kissing bc I feel like it’s shame worthy and cheesy. I think I should be better than emotions and that I shouldn’t have them (I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help feeling that way).

I fear getting close to people physically. For example I will not allow myself to be in a relationship for fear of rejection. I even consider myself asexual but not for lack of s***** fantasies but because I just fear rejection too much. Im scared that I will repulse people specially right now that I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder and in turn depression and an anxiety disorder. I believe these mental health issues have taken a toll on my body as well.
I have developed a skin condition in my scalp. I think is Psoriasis and somehow it has also made my hair extremely greasy and frizzy. I take hours to get ready and to fix my hair, even a bit so it doesn’t look as awful. Despite my efforts, it looks disgusting and Im always afraid and almost sure that people do notice it. So I try to hide it.
I have also developed halitosis (chronic bad breath) it’s really bad. So Im always chewing gum, drowning in mouth wash and just keeping away from people. I never get too close or let them near my mouth so they won’t smell me.
I just can’t make an effort. It takes too much energy that I don’t have. I dress so poorly and my posture is even worse (slouching and I don’t even have the energy to tuck in my stomach).
Im just so paranoid that I smell bc I feel like my digestion is crap… I feel like Im rotting inside.
I also sweat like crazy.