9 years
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I was born in a female body and I was taught to fall in love with boys only. Since I was 3, my parents noticed that unlike my older sister and other girls I always hang out with boys and have a better connection with them. I’m always interested in stuff that males are interested in. At first they thought it was just what I was interested in but after some time mom was seriously concerned. I would play in the streets for hours with the boys, I wanted my hair cut short. I had these sudden breakdowns. I cried for hours, complaining that I wanted to be a guy. Over the time as I grew a bit older, guys started to become more aware that I’m a girl and I “shouldn’t” hang out with them that much, talk like they do and act the way they do. They called me names and the only friends I felt comfortable with threw me out like trash. I was 6 at that time, the first year of school. Completely new friends, completely new faces. I felt like i could maybe start things over, maybe figure out what I did wrong for my old friends to act like that. I didn’t know what was going on. Once again I was only comfortable talking with the boys. When i was with girls, It felt like i was out of place. I didn’t know what to do so i just sat there silently until one of the girls came up to me and made me talk. Eventually she became my best friend and till this day shes still my only best friend. We both approached the guys and eventually the two of us were one of the “bros” as the guys would call themselves. Not even a month past that the teachers started seeing the lack of communication i had with girls and pushed me away from guys. Once again i had this barrier between me and my friends. I slowly got used to the topics that girls talked about and tried blending in. Recently I remembered that the first time someone asked me what i wanna be I answered them with “boy”. That answer never changed till 2nd grade. It was the first time that someone explained to me that what i say or do isnt “normal”. I felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. I started blaming myself. I thought there was something wrong with me and that its all my fault. I went through a depressive state during which everyone around me started mentioning it. It got to the point that i was sent to a therapist. At that age i didnt know what to do and the only thing i could do was agree with the adults. A year past, I moved from one country to another. In grade 4 I realized that I’m attracted to both men and women. Once again i felt wrong as if im somehow going crazy. That is until one day i searched the internet about the way i felt and for the first time in forever i felt that im not lonely. No one knew and till this day doesnt know about this. I secretly think of myself as a bisexual till now. But… something still feels wrong. Ive been having these weird dreams as if theyre flashbacks of my childhood and whenever i ask mom about them she tells me that those are real memories, stuff that has happened before. I have dreams of me crying the whole night hugging a pillow, screaming “Im not a girl, I dont want to be a girl, I want to be a boy” and now after these years I still feel like I wanna cry and let the whole world know that Im not comfortable in the body I was born in. Im not comfortable with having to match up to the expectation my parents and the society have for me. Im not comfortable with being a girl. This thought makes me more and more confused each day. Each day I feel like the kid inside me who doesn’t care grows bigger. The moment I lied down to sleep my mind started thinking “I wish I were a male. Is there a way I can become one?”. And so I started doing research. I found hundreds and millions of people who felt like me, who had the courage to come out to everyone. People who didn’t have and let anyone stopping them from what they had been wishing for. I look at people who have surgeries and take doses of hormones. Who reach their life long dream of becoming a male and female and I cant help myself but smile. I smile and at the same time I feel like I wanna cry. Being born in a strict family whos completely against anything LGBT related has and will be the hardest part of my journey of trying to find my true identity. Ive been having this weird feeling that makes me happy when I think about it “When Im older, when I move out, when im completely in control of my body and life Ill finally be able to think straight and figure out if I truly am transgender or not. The thing that’s stopping me now to even try and take my time and truly think about it is my parents. Theyre the obstacle im afraid to overcome at the age of 16”. I feel happy that maybe one day once im sure about my feelings, I can finally start my trip to becoming a male.

Now the question is: I want to be a ftm transgender but is it still possible to like men as a transgender male and if so is there a specific name for that???

New Confession

At 16 I was working in a doctor’s office answering calls and greeting patients at the front desk. One day a co-worker said he’d take over for me because the doctor wanted to see me. I went into the room where Dr. Beth was at. I was pleasantly surprised to see a young boy strapped down in restraints with his pe nis and tes ticles fully exposed. The doctor smiled and said well Donna you said you wanted to see a ‘snip and clip’ so here’s your first one. I thanked her for the amazing opportunity. It was a wonderful birthday gift. She showed me how to wrap the boy’s legs to keep them warm and prevent muscle spasms. Then we put a sequential compression device (SCD) on his legs to improve blood flow since the doctor said he would be spread open in restraints for a while. The opportunity to watch him being circ umcised was exciting and made my pa nties wet.

She said that although this was only a circ umcision she likes to get a IV line in place just in case it’s needed and she showed me how to put an IV in his arm. She added that we would use a very small amount of Vecuronium in the drip to help relax the boy and keep him manageable and still. I asked if that was a pain medication and she said no it wasn’t and she didn’t use pain medication because many patients had adverse reactions, allergic reactions, reactions from conflicts with other medication they are taking and etc. Also in this case the boy’s mother did not feel that anesthesia was appropriate.

She said she was using the minimum Vecuronium drip, below threshold levels. only as a supplement to the restraints. we started the drip, made sure the boy’s chest was covered and he was warm.

His p e n i s was er ect and she said that was just fine and she gave me a Foley catheter to insert up his er ection. It was my very first catheterization and it went well although he struggled a little, moaned and groaned, so I put a rubber mouth piece in his mouth to silence him. The doctor said the IV drip would soon kick in as it was fast acting. With the drip and the mouthpiece he was no more trouble. She high-fived my success on the catheter insertion. The rubber catheter impaled his wobbling shaft and he was already filling the urine bag.

The doctor suggested I tilt the chair up so the boy could see his for eskin being removed. I tilted the chair up and aligned his vision with his erec tion. He was covered and warm except for his arm with the IV line and his pe nis and balls which were fully exposed for my view and examination. The doctor told me to prep him and I followed her instruction to examine and wash his pe nis and scr otum with hospital soap and then wipe the area with alcohol. He was wide eyed as I washed his stiff shaft and there was a little groan but that was all.

She pushed the cut-down tray over toward me and said it’s all yours, your very first circ umcision. She showed me how to measure the for eskin a nd clamp it and to decide what style I preferred for the finished look. The doctor helped me get started snipping a little strip of for eskin off the shaft. The boy hardly moved but there seemed to be a few trembles in his legs which the doctor said was normal. Occasionally there was a high pitched squeak coming from his mouth which was muffled by the mouth piece.

The doctor instructed me step by step on how to trim each strip of for eskin with the circ umcision scissors and to place the hemostats to control bleeding. My pa nties were soaked and I was breathless as strip by strip his for eskin was taken and his shaft was molded to my design. It was so satisfying. His shaft was sprayed with alcohol to keep it clean. We took a break and had some tea while Dr. Beth explained more about the procedure. The boy laid quietly on the chair with an occasional squeak which was muffled by the mouthpiece.

I went back to work to finish up the job. Dr. Beth highlighted his large fleshy fren ulum and asked if I was going to excise it. She explained that in boys, the fren ulum is a favorite pleasure center for abuse through excessive mas turbation. She said the boy’s mother had brought him in because of his excessive, compulsion to mas turbate to the extreme. He was so addicted to abusing himself that he rubbed himself raw. I said it was a good idea to remove that burden from him by cutting off his fren ulum. She stood by with the cauterizing needle and I excised off his fen ulum and then with the hot cauterizing needle seared shut the area to stop the bleeding. A small whiff of smoke rose from the cauterizing needle. Again there were squeaks from the boy and some leg trembling but he was held secure enough by the restraint straps so that I could do neat work.

The circ umcision pulled his scr otum up his shaft. Dr. Beth said his mother will approve of the ‘ball lift’ which will be more aesthetically pleasing. I practiced my sewing skills with some fine sutures to join the remaining inner and outer skin edges of the skin on his pe nis. The whole area was sprayed down with alcohol and an antiseptic spray to prevent infection.

That was my very first circ umcision. I went on to nursing school and graduated early in an accelerated course with my BSN and then my MSN and APRN. I have been doing circ umcisions and I love the work. It’s a thrill to get up in the morning to get well paid for cutting and trimming the pe nis and helping boys with their behavior problems, health and aesthetic appearance. I love my work and my patients all love me. Donna MSN APRN, circ umcision expert.

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