I should have my whole life ahead of me, yet i’m scared to death of the future. My confidence is zero and i put up walls so big, it’s practically a tower. It started with my father, he wasn’t a bad man, far from it, but he let me down way too much. He is an alcoholic and him and my mother used to argue constantly. He got into lots of debt and debt collectors nearly took my home and everything in it. When i was 6 the one time my mother couldn’t pick me up from school he forgot to do so. I was left in school till 6 o’clock while my mother raced home to get me. His excuse? ‘I forgot’. When i was seven he left home, my mother kicked him out and i don’t blame her. The day he left i danced around my living room – what 7 year old does that? I should have been upset but i wasn’t. He didn’t try and contact me. My mother had to make the first move.

My elder sister has always been jealous of me. My mum thought she couldn’t have children so she adopted my sister then she tried IVF one last time and i was born. At that point my sister was 12, she resented me even though it wasn’t my fault. Growing up, i was a skinny kid while my sister wasn’t fat she was just bigger. Then i started getting good grades, i started being popular while my sister never was. I hated being popular, i hated the attention but my sister craved attention and she never got any. All my mothers family said i was pretty and slim enough to be a model. But i never wanted to, i’ve always wanted to be a nurse and a writer. She hated that. She moved out when she was 17 and i was 5.

What she never understood was that i might have had the love of my mothers family but my fathers family despised me. They still despise me.

Growing up i spent a lot of time with my nana and grandad. And a few years ago my nana started getting sick and i looked after her. We had always become close but we became closer. I was the one that cleaned her bed, cleaned her house, helped cook her meals and took them to her and my grandad, made sure she took her tablets and took her to her hospital appointments. I was the one that listened to her stories and pored through her photo’s. When she died earlier this year it broke me. Throughout her funeral my grandad sang my praises and my cousins and sister hated that. Now they ignore me.

I try my hardest but because i hated my popularity i started becoming antisocial and now i’m a loner. Because i didn’t have a lot to do with people i forgot how to interact, now nobody likes me. I honestly don’t mind that though.

Now everyone is bugging me about doing well. And i’m scared. really scared. About the future, my family, if i’ll do well. Everything. I’ve thought about suicide. But my nana wouldn’t want that. Now i’m going to live my life for her. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that i complete her dreams. And my own.

I miss her so much.