Hello there, whether you read this or not, it does not matter because this is for me. To confront myself as a person. The only way I can get through this, is to get through myself. So let’s begin.

The past year of my life has been nothing short of a train wreck. I am a 20 year old male. The past year I have been through foreclosures, death, multiple near death experiences of family members, family breakdowns, repossessions of cars, loss of jobs and loss of education and loss of love, amongst other things.

What has hurt me those recently is that I have not been able to re-enroll back into college because I owe over $30,000.00, as only a sophomore. I had let my father deal with the finances only to find that I owed this much, all in my name. I was unemployed for 3 months (after loosing my job at the college), and now I have a new job, that I hate, as a cashier.

The thing that scares me the most is that I now am beginning to save every penny for to pay off something that may never happen. I am scared that the money I save will not go to repaying my debt, but to my family. Is it greedy? Maybe. But, I want nothing more in this world to make a change, and I can’t do it without education. The same thing happened to my sister, she got a job to pay for school but never went back. I’m afraid that between the two or three years I need to pay back the debt I will give up hope and valor, because I know at the end it might not matter because my family has terrible credit, which you need to take out any sort of education loan in the US.

During all this I stay up at night with the thoughts of doubt and past loves. My last girlfriend was probably my actual first love. She went away for school and long distance really got us. She also told me she doesn’t think she could ever love me (after I told her I loved her), hinting she may be a lesbian. Whether she’s lying or not, I know not. Either way, the pain is still raw. It gnaws at me every day.

I am 20 years old. I don’t want to be a cashier the rest of my life. I don’t want to be heartbroken over a girl who can’t love me back either.

The thing is, my family and friends think that I am the strongest person they know. I am everyone’s rock. The one they all turn to for real advice about a situation. They look to me for guidance, when I am having a hard time trying to guide myself. I am expected to deal with this as nothing, a small step in the way to fulfilling my life dreams. They may see it, but right now, I don’t. This accumulation over one year has been the biggest slap I’ve ever faced. They all know I can get back up, but I’m having a hard time believing it myself. How many times can I be pushed down, before I get back up? I’m afraid that eventually they’ll see that I am broken, before I can put myself back together again.

I suppose what I am really afraid of the possible path ahead. I stay at a dead end job, I don’t go back to school because of money and credit. That I will let down everyone’s expectations of me.

I look up at the stars at night wondering if someone is ever looking out there for me, but then I realize, no one is looking for someone that is broken.

Thank you for your time if you made it through the mad ramblings of a troubled adolescent who has fallen on his path. I am down, but I am far from out.