*Breaths in* *Breaths out*
Hi. I’m just a normal hormonal teen writing a confession anonymously. The things I will write here are something that I can’t tell my family, my friends, even the closest. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but I simply think that talking about this will make my friends annoyed with me.
It all started four years ago. I enrolled in a new school life near my neighborhood. I met old and new friends alike. I became friends with so many people but only a few I still call best friends. I met a guy, a prefect, at school. His class was a few blocks away from mine and we were a year apart. So I usually see him pass by my class during recess. And he was the first one to attract my attention and I don’t know why, and I still don’t until today, to be honest.
I kept quiet about him being interesting to me and enjoyed my school life. But I can’t help to just sneak a glance every single time he passed by my class. I can only recognize him among so many people with him. I guess, after a while, I fell in love with him.
When I finally told my friends I fell in love with that said prefect, they did their very best to embarrassed me, but I don’t mind, in fact, it keeps me sane and stop me from blushing a lot. For me, the best part of being in the evening session with your crush is that you could always see him when goes back. I always saw him heading towards the gate and lounge around there like nobody’s business with his friends. The stare-but-discreetly-at-him went for about two years until he changed to morning session.
The second year made me realized that my feelings for him is a lot stronger than ever. That was the last year I met him when we were in the same session. The third year, he went to the morning session and I was still stuck in the evening session, but I still saw him a few times, but not so much like the second year.
The third year, last year, we met again in the same session and I was so glad to meet him again after a year apart. Even though I still keep my feelings hidden from him, I have never thought to bother him with my feelings. And because of that, he began dating a junior 2 years below him. I was sad back then, but being a coward I am, I didn’t do anything but wished him the best. But I still can’t stop thinking about him. A few months later, he broke up with his girlfriend and I never knew exactly why. They just broke up, in peace. The ex was still in good term with him but that left a huge question mark for me. Who confessed to whom? Did he accept her with honesty? Why did they broke up? Indeed I was happy, but I never bothered him even then. I would just stand afar and admired at how happy he was with his life, his friends and his girlfriend and thought, what will happen if I’m in the picture.
Those months passed by in a blink of an eye. My new bestfriend sat beside me in class. I always told her everything I knew about my crush and some new crushes that I had, but none could top my first crush. Then, we entered our fourth year, this year, 2013.
2013, I realized, my feelings were stronger than those three years combined. Well, one, because this is his last year in school before he goes on a break and never step foot to this school, second, he sits right beside my block, and even though we’re little far away from each other, I could still see his figure since he sits beside the window. Third, the more I see him, the feelings in my heart increased. He always stayed back late after school on the same spot I’m in; our school cafeteria. In fact, everyday I could see him. But with so many girls around him. I would feel quite jealous but I reminded myself, I’m not his wife and I don’t have the right to take him away from all his girl-friends. He have a life and so do I. I should have moved on from him, but I. JUST. CAN’T. I really can’t and it hurts so bad that the time he will be in my sight decrease with each passing day.
I planned on one day, before school closed for year end holiday, I would write my love confessions to him. But then I would always think twice. He has a big exam this year and I don’t want to bother him with my feelings. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to regret not telling my feelings.
It really does hurt when you think about it. Your love is not let out to your crush, and the lonely feeling of not seeing him ever again. Will I meet him again? Will he still remember me? Will he have a new girlfriend?
Do I have the chance to be with him?
Oh, the future questions… And only time could tell.
I just hope that one day, I have the guts to tell him how I feel. And if he were to accept me, I want him to accept me with my flaws and all good in me.