I feel like my depression and anxiety is coming back but the thing is that this time around i dont want to do anything about it because im tired of feeling like im not good for him i try to be the happy girlfriend, come home make dinner talk ya know that kind of thing but im just sick i feel like i have so much going on in my head that i dont know what to do and im scared that something is going to happen but at the same time i want something to happen at lest that means that it will be over but you know what i dont want that too cause i know the pain of loving some one and when they are gone it hurts so much that you feel like you are going to brake out of the pain from your heart, i try to fill my heart with art,books,music,shows etc.. but nothing helps i feel like i go day by day just smiling a fake smile putting on a show so no one sees the real me, if people see the real me then they will stop worrying about what matters and start worrying about me and i dont want that there is more important things in life then me….all i want to do is make people happy if that means with food then i cook if that means with art then i create with that means with talking then i talk with them life is to short to worry about me worry about your self not me i am happy to help you not be sad or mad i just want you to smile and if that means that i need to put on a face to hide me then so be it i will mask my pain to make you happy i will mask my pain to help you not cry, threw all of this i have learned that no matter what happens or if the people you once loved and still do love leave you rather from death or just life moving on your heart will always be broken and then there is nothing you can do to fill the whole in your heart and you will never be the same…all i ask is for you to be happy no matter what happens, if you need to cry then cry and pick your self back up again because your still here and your still alive for the love of all you need to be strong….be strong they say you have young ones watching that need you, i should have said no i feel the same way they do but i could not have my siblings see the oldest crash and burn i needed to be strong i needed to be there for them to cry on for you see that is what the oldest is told you have to make the young ones happy and wipe the tears that fall but who you ask picks the oldest up when they fall and wipes the tears for them? the young siblings? no not them the oldest wipes the tears for them, then who you ask, the parent? no for you see the oldest has to act strong and say everything is fine. then you ask what about a friend? yes a friend that works until they leave you too from life moving on or from death then you are back to square one, the feeling keep coming and you keep pushing them down,down,and down further away from the problem that you need to face so you just keep putting on a face trying to make people smile trying to have them feel happiness for you because your worst fear in life is to have some one you love and care about feel the way you do alone even if you are surrounded by friends and family you are always alone in your mind and that is a scary place to be when you are alone, you try to mask that with a smile on your face but nothing works you feel like you are falling even further down the rabbit hole that is your mind and it scares you to find out what is at the bottom, you try to find things that make you feel the happiness that you once felt but soon that too goes and your stuck with the fake face with the fake smile once more and it scares you it scares you so much that you fear your self, the day will come when you leave you life and your loved ones behind then one thing that you have control over is how fast that day comes it could be today or it cold be when you are old and gray all i say is live your life the best you can please for your loved ones just LIVE