Dear D****,
They asked me to choose a category here. A pain, lie, question etc. I want to laugh; they gave me so many categories without letting me choose multiple ones. Which may describe exactly what you did to me.
Hence, let me be selfish now. Let me list down what I lost because of you: sleep, self-respect, dignity, a friend, trust, my peace of mind and the list is probably endless, But perhaps the worst one of all is how I saw myself. I changed as a person within two months and became everything that I swore to myself I would never become. But don’t worry, I won’t hold you responsible for that, because I was involved in this too, though I wish I wasn’t.
D****, I am sick of this. I am sick of being obliged to you. I am sick of being treated like a replacement. I am sick of being somewhat violated. I am sick of the way you make me feel. I don’t know whether to smile or walk away when I see you. I don’t know if we’re friends or not. We were friends, yes, but I don’t know if you had an agenda behind that friendship (not that I am accusing you of anything). I am sick of being touched without a proper reason. For I am from a fairly conservative family, from which any fool would tell you that that kind of touching accounts for something more than just friendship.
That’s all fine. But it’s not when I know for sure that you like someone else. It’s not fine to treat me this way when you like someone else. It is not my fault that she will never accept your feelings. So please don’t go on taking that out on me. I have nothing to do with what she feels about you and you her. I do, however, have something to do with the way you make me feel. I don’t want to talk about her, I have lost her. Our squad has hit rock bottom when you entered the picture. i never knew we were inseparable until you came in. But perhaps, that is a good thing. It opened my eyes to someone who I never thought I could see differently.
Like I said, I don’t want to talk about someone else.
I know you don’t want to talk in-depth about this. It probably makes you uncomfortable. And for that, I want to kick sand in your eyes. You were bold enough to touch me over, mess up my feelings, f*ck my brain over and act like nothing was real. But you don’t want to talk. You know what that makes you? A coward. A coward who loves to hide behind a screen where you could be exactly what you want: a lie. D****, it’s easy to type more than what you feel on a screen because nobody is there to vouch for the truth in front of your face. And that’s the stupid part about virtual communication: it’s virtual, a twisted reality, a disguise. A lie to conceal another lie. That’s precisely why we need to talk. But you’re too busy.
I used to respect you. I used to empathize with you and what you said. I used to think you were genuine. On top of that, I used to think I could read people well. And the latter is untrue. I have misunderstood you and myself so much. Endless nights have passed when I blamed myself for everything that happened, when I still smell you on my clothes after you’re long gone, when I watch you behave with her and the list of ‘whens’ just terrorize my mind over and over again. I was so stupid to believe that your intentions were genuine. I was so stupid. Period.
But I am not stupid anymore. Thanks for the experience, and the trust issues. Thanks for teaching me that temptation is dangerous. Most importantly, thanks for teaching me that nice boys may not actually be ‘nice’. I will resurrect, stringer than before.
Hopefully, I won’t care about you after this.